Conflicted

Lately, Eric and I have been talking a lot about the next step in our life together.

Basically, we're trying to figure out exactly what that next step is.

From the moment we decided to move to New York, we knew it would not be a forever move. Neither of us envisioned ourselves settling in for the long haul here, raising kids here, growing old here. We didn't know how long we would be here - two years? five? ten? - but we knew it wouldn't be a lifetime. Basically, we went into this knowing that it was a limited engagement, so to speak. But it was such an intriguing city, one that I had always dreamed of living in. The opportunity to do so presented itself and we went for it, and we have loved it even more than I ever expected.

But the longer we live in this city, the less sustainable it becomes. The cost of living here is outrageous. Of course, we knew that was the case when we signed up for it. We try to live by the idea that money should never get in the way of experiences, and it has been more than worth it to pay financially in order to experience all we have as residents of Manhattan. When I think back on all we have done in this city in the past 19 months, all I can think is wow. We have done so much, and we continue to try to make the most of every moment in this city. We definitely do not take living here for granted.

But as our list of things we've done here grows, the investment in the experience starts to become less and less worth it. There will come a point where we've gotten about all we can get out of the city before it just becomes too much. And frankly, I think we're really starting to be ready for the next phase of our lives.

I mentioned that this feeling was starting to creep in last August,  but we really weren't ready to leave New York yet. Now I feel that the scales are starting to tip in favor of moving on. We want to own a house. We want to start a family. We want to settle in somewhere and stay put for a while.

We do have some ideas where our next step may lead us, but until we make some official decisions and know more about how that will all play out, I don't want to get into too much detail. But, let this post stand as your official warning: if you have been wanting to plan a summer vacation to visit us in New York, I would make that happen this summer, because there's a chance we may not be here by next summer. So get here while you can! Don't miss out!

Of course, as I was with our last move, I'm feeling conflicted. I have days where I feel so, so ready to move on. I see pictures of new houses our friends in other cities have purchased, or photos of their new babies, etc. and all I can think is, I'm ready. Let's get the next phase underway. Those are the days when walking through the crowded streets tests my patience, when the subway stations smell extra foul, when the noise outside my window is all I can hear. Those are the nights I sleep with earplugs to drown out the sirens and the horns and the construction noise and dream of a quiet suburban home.

But then there are days - sometimes they are full days, sometimes they're just passing moments - when I feel like I can't imagine living anywhere else, because I do love this city. There's just no place like it. I love the fast pace and the energy. I love that I see every type of person imaginable on a quick walk across town. I love the culture. I love the fashion. I love the buildings. I love the parks. I love the food. I love walking everywhere. I love the fact that I can see the lights of Times Square flashing as I sit here on my couch, and I love that I can look out my window and know what color the Empire State Building is lit each night. I love that there is always something to do and someplace new to go. On these days, in these moments, I love every last New Yorky thing - even the crowds and the noise. How could I ever live anywhere else?

However, my love for the city does not change the fact that it is just not a part of the next phase for us. And I am getting excited for our next step, whatever it may be. I just have to realize that it won't be easy to leave this place that I have learned to love so very much.