Dear Ellie - Nine Years

 My dear Ellie,

Happy ninth birthday, lovebug! The day is finally here! You've been eagerly awaiting this day for weeks, counting down and giving your classmates daily updates as to how close it really is to your birthday.

How do I know you that you give your classmates daily updates? I know because you "attend" school via laptop in our dining room, and oh, child, what a year it has been since my last letter. When I last wrote to you, we were two weeks into our "safer at home" strategy for dealing with covid-19, the novel coronavirus that spread across the world rapidly and relentlessly. What was originally planned to be a two-week self-imposed quarantine to "slow the spread" has now ballooned to 55 weeks and counting for us. Not long after your birthday last year, school was canceled for the remainder of the year and lockdowns extended out past that initial two-week estimate. People protested their confinement and by May, things started to open back up again, but virus numbers skyrocketed by late summer, so our family continued to stay safe at home. Schools reopened in the fall with both a virtual and an in-person option, which included myriad safety protocols such as six-feet spacing between and plexiglass barriers around desks, mandatory mask-wearing, lunch in classrooms instead of the cafeteria, and daily temperature checks. We opted for the virtual school option, both for our own well-being and to do our part to keep class sizes smaller for kids who really need to be back in the school building. We set up a little school room in the corner of our dining room, complete with desks and a calendar and all the school supplies you could need, and you and E.J. have really done well with it.

We have not yet been back to church; we are preparing to watch our second Easter Sunday service on YouTube. You still attend Girl Scouts, but virtually - I lead a virtual component of our troop, while the rest of the girls meet in person. You are not doing ballet this year, and your recital from last year was canceled entirely. We have only seen a few family members at all this year, and those visits have been exceedingly rare, taking place only after a strict 14-day quarantine to minimize our risk of unknowingly bringing the virus to each other. Each holiday has been spent with only our immediate family, and each has looked different: we did our own Easter egg hunt in our backyard; we didn't go watch the July 4th fireworks at the river; we barely trick-or-treated on Halloween; we had a video call with Santa instead of an in-person meeting. We have worked really hard to figure out new ways to celebrate and make things special when our old traditions just aren't feasible.

We didn't travel at all this year; there was no family reunion to attend this summer (sadly, we lost our Gramps this year, too, and have yet to be able to travel for a funeral). There were no school events or awards or performances. Our overly busy weekends are a thing of the past, and many of our previous pastimes came to an abrupt halt: our Disney passes lapsed, the Jumbo Shrimp season was canceled, we no longer had Saturdays at the t-ball field. Our outings and entertainment for the past year have mostly consisted of walks, movies on our new outdoor projector, frequent trips to the beach, watching new TV series together and reading "Harry Potter." When we do have to venture out, we wear masks (they were mandated in our area up until last week, but many businesses still require them), and we scrub our hands well when we get home.

I'll admit, I've had some trouble coming to terms with your impending birthday this year. Last year, my heart broke for you that so many of your big birthday plans were thwarted by this virus, and it has been hard to stomach the realization that the same could be said of this year (though I think we've come up with fun ideas to make it special!). Your birthday is so closely linked to the anniversary of this thing in my mind, and I had so wanted this to all be over by the time you were nine. It's easy to look back at the last year and think of it as a "lost year": so many of the things we always held dear to our hearts were canceled or put on hold indefinitely. You only have so many years of childhood, and at times it has felt like this one was just "passing us by."

But, it wasn't a lost year. It was a year for us. For our family. Day in and day out, we've been together. We've found new things to do together and creative ways to have fun at home. I've been able to have a front row seat to your day-to-day schooling - I hear you talking to your classmates, asking questions, working hard. You and E.J. have so much more time to just play now, and you make good use of it! It has been so wonderful to have you more to myself than I have in years, to know exactly how your day goes and what you're doing and what you're thinking and feeling, something I thought was long gone since you started school. It also feels like almost an extra year of childhood, in a way - a year with no drama with friends, no (new) crushes, no peers spoiling childhood magic for you. It has been a rare gift that isn't given to most parents. It feels like borrowed time...or bonus time, maybe. It is actually really kind of special.

And Ellie Bellie, you're growing into such a lovely young woman. You are thoughtful and sweet and empathetic. You are almost overly kindhearted! You can't tolerate being in trouble; if you think we're even looking at or talking to you too sternly, you crumble. I know that I can trust you completely, because rather than ever lie to us, if confronted with something you'd rather not say your whole body slumps over and your face goes sullen, and out comes the truth. You often ask what you can do to help me around the house, and you're always thinking of sweet things to do for people you love and how to make it special just for them. For example, you made Heather and Matty bracelets--with a cat charm and Dallas Cowboys colors, respectively--for no reason, and moved them to tears when they were surprised by them in their mailbox!

You've taken to virtual school without missing a beat. You have the same teacher as last year, which may have helped, but I am able to just let you do your thing all day with minimal oversight. You follow your schedule, do your work, and often even set your own alarms on your watch to make sure you're back to live video classes on time. You still love math, and your teacher has selected you and a couple of other kids to do some extra math work, which thrills you. (You're starting that this week, and you were so tickled that you'd get extra math for your birthday week! What a gift!) You're doing great with multiplication and fractions, and I'm very impressed by you.

You also still love science, and we've been getting our fill of science activities through online Girl Scouts workshops. One positive of the pandemic has been that Girl Scout councils/organizations from across the country have been offering programming that we are able to take advantage of, regardless of our location! Your Brownie vest is completely filled up with patches and badges and you've done some really cool things. You even attended a virtual Girl Scouts summer camp last June, where you earned three coding badges, tie-dyed your own camp shirt and even made s'mores in the microwave and sang camp songs around the computer with your fellow campers. People have really impressed me with their ingenuity in finding ways to translate normal activities to a virtual format! You also sold Girl Scout cookies again this year and once again, you were the top seller in your troop. You're highly motivated and willing to work hard to reach your goals. You amaze me.

You still love to read, though that sort of tapered off for a while since we were not able to go to the library to get new material. I think your favorite thing to read this year has probably been the "Harry Potter" books. We've been reading them together as a family (we're on the fifth book now!), and as soon as we finish reading one together, you claim it for yourself and re-read the whole thing on your own, often in only a couple days' time. 

You overcame a couple of significant fears this year: you learned to ride your bike last year on Easter Sunday, and you changed your earrings for the first time about a month ago! In true Ellie fashion, in each case you just decided you were going to do it and you did it. When you decided to learn to ride your bike, you worked hard, practicing your balance and pedaling up and down the sidewalk until it finally clicked. With your earrings, you talked yourself into a plan of action, and when your nerves started to overcome you, you gave yourself a pep talk: "I can do this. I'm going to do this." And you did! And in both cases, once you accomplished this task that you had perceived as impossible for so long, you felt so incredible. You'd just talk about it for days and days and days - you were so proud of yourself, and we were so proud of you, too. I can't even tell you how much joy it brings me to see you overcome a mental hurdle like that and do something that you really want, even if you're afraid. I hope you remember that high you felt afterwards and it propels you forward to many new, exciting experiences as you grow!

You're just growing up so much, and I see it every day. I see it in your outward appearance (I mean, could you possibly be any taller????), and in your behaviors. You're showing more confidence, and you're more willing to try new things. You're becoming more and more helpful around the house (and willingly, too!) - you can change your bedsheets, make all your meals, clean your room, do the dusting. You're motivated to do well and willing to put in the work to do so, such as just last week when you worked hard every day after school to learn a dance for Palm Sunday church. At first you thought it was too hard and you wouldn't be able to do it, but we worked out a plan of attack together and you implemented it without any help and before long, you knew that dance perfectly. (We recorded it on video that was played at the service, which was so nice that you could still participate even if we aren't attending in-person church yet!)

One big, exciting thing from this year: we got a new puppy named Ruthie! You just adore her and vice versa. You can hardly contain yourself when you see her, and you launch right into lovey-dovey talk as you fuss over her. You're a big help with her, too! You get her out of her crate in the morning, feed her breakfast and let her go outside. When she shreds sticks in the house, you help clean up the mess. You help clean the...uh...mess in the backyard, too! You put her leash on when it's time to walk, and sometimes you walk her, too. I'm so glad she has been such a wonderful addition to our family! She's a real perk of this pandemic for sure - without this disruption to our normally very busy schedule, we probably wouldn't have considered getting a dog. We're very lucky to have her!

Some more about Ellie-at-nine-years-old: you and E.J. are still very into Legos, and you play for hours at your Lego table. You also love to draw and do crafts (you tried your hand at cross-stitch this year!). Your favorite color is pink - dark pink, not light! You love long dresses and rompers. Your favorite book is Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and your favorite TV shows include Magic School Bus and Emily's Wonder Lab. You were very excited when President Joe Biden was elected this year, because you met him in Hoboken when you were a baby, so now you can say you've met the President. You're incredibly responsible and trustworthy. You love unicorns. Your hair was both purple and pink at various times this year, and after growing it long for some time you decided last week to cut it short again. You still sleep with Cupcake, and I often have to remind you to remove the piles and piles of books that end up in your bed. You love to "mother" E.J., sometimes taking it a bit far, but I know it's done with love. You like to tuck your shirts into your leggings. You're happy and bubbly. You crinkle your nose when you smile if you really like something. You stick your tongue out when you're concentrating hard (still - you've done that since you were very small!). You say "hi" whenever we walk into a room (or rather, as soon as you hear us coming; you rarely wait for us to actually enter the room), and sometimes you tell us "I want us to be talking but I just don't know what to talk about." You've coped well with our isolation overall, but you're still a social being at heart, and you get excited when people come to our house - ANY people, including the exterminator, realtor and contractor.  When the little old lady who lives down the street had to put her dog to sleep, you wrote a letter to her telling her how sorry you were and left it in her mailbox. You pray to yourself every night, even after we've prayed together as a family. You still sometimes just need a "mama hug." And I always need an Ellie hug.

I just love you so much. 

And now, you're another year older. And truly, this was quite the year to live through, kiddo. Living through a pandemic like this is an unthinkably rare thing (thank heavens!), but there has been so much else going on all around us, too. You'll learn about it in your history books someday, and I think we've kept you pretty shielded from some of the other events of this year. But in all honesty, it has been a challenging one for me in a lot of ways. But you, my girl, have always been a bright spot. You are my motivation to keep working and fighting and brainstorming and innovating. When I feel like I've hit a wall, like I've given it everything I have, like I am just fully depleted, you fill me up again and somehow give me the strength and the energy to wake up and do it all once more. I just want so badly to make each of your days as special as you deserve, which is a terribly high bar but I'm doing my very best.

The coming year still holds a lot of uncertainty for us. It feels like we're on our way out of the pandemic, as more and more people are being vaccinated (Daddy and I will be eligible for ours next week!), and case numbers are staying much lower than they once were. But still, we can't quite predict when there will be a vaccine for kids, how things will look in the fall, or when we can really let our guard down. We also have some uncertainty on the horizon for our family specifically - perhaps I'll be writing your next letter from a new home? No matter what happens, I assume you'll handle it in stride in true Ellie style. 

Ellie, being your mom is such a privilege. I'm so enamored with the young woman you are becoming, just as I have always adored the little girl you were. I hope you know how much I treasure you, and I hope that as you grow you will continue to see me a safe space, a support system, and your biggest fan. Because I totally am. (I'll bet Daddy thinks he is, but I respectfully disagree.)

Thanks for being you, baby girl. You're amazing.

Happy ninth birthday! I love you all the much.

All my love,

Mama

* * * * *

My dear Ellie,

I love you so much. I have been trying to think of a way to explain how much I adore you and how happy you make me to be your dad. If there’s a good word, I don’t know it. The best I can do is to think of a feeling. It’s kinda like when you are sitting down to watch a movie you have been looking forward to for months, when you realize a book you are really enjoying is part of a series, or relaxing on the second day of a long vacation. It’s a happy/peaceful/content feeling where you can’t think about other than how lucky and grateful you are to be where you are. It’s not every minute of every day, to be sure, but it is the best way I can explain what I feel when I sit down and think about it. 

You are so excited to be turning nine (you can’t believe it’s your last year in single digits!). I am so happy for you to have a day (days, really, with the family party and camping) to be celebrated, but I am having a tough time realizing that you are halfway to being on your own. That’s still a lot of time, but I am bracing myself for the fact that the next nine will be less cuddly than the first nine. I also worry about mean kids, bad boyfriends, and other disappointments. Nine means we are getting closer to those things, but I know we aren’t there yet.

It’s just so crazy that you are now having your second pandemic birthday. I thought about including a table of differences and events of the past year, but decided that was too nerdy. I probably buckled a bit under the pressure it would add to include everything. But, for example’s sake, we just completed a whole year of virtual school and girl scouts, with facemasks required for the rare occasions we’ve seen other people or gone in places. And, boy, have we covered miles and miles of walks to get out of the house. On the other end, we have gone without Disney trips, in-person church and activities, eating on-site at restaurants, far fewer family visits and all non-family hugs. It has been very different, with so many challenges. But I don’t think that is what you are going to take from this experience. Your Mama has worked so hard to make things special. We went all out on yard decor for Halloween in lieu of trick-or-treating, she planned egg hunts at home, got a projector for backyard movies, and a climbing gym for the backyard. We started watching tv shows together (The Mandalorian and Clone Wars, Emily’s Wonder Lab, and Lego Masters). We got a puppy and let you guys start playing video games. I learned to do magic, and taught you and EJ how to play blackjack, poker and chess. It’s too early to distill a grand, unified lesson of the pandemic, but I think you can choose how to spend your energy, and there is good to be found in everything. 

I really didn’t mean to write you another letter where I make lists in every other sentence, so I will try to tell three more stories.

The first is about how proud I am of the way you have pushed yourself this year. As you were turning eight, you were committed to learning to ride a bike. We had tried without much success in the past, but you mastered the scooter and really took notice whenever you saw someone you knew riding a bike. At some point, you decided you were going to figure it out. I tried holding the back of the seat, and we planned out how to push off and glide, then to put your feet on the pedals during the glide, then pedal one loop, etc. You spent an hour at a time for days by yourself trying over and over again until you mastered each step. Just like when you were younger, obstacles are nothing compared to your will and determination. You are undefeated when you decide something is going to happen. On Easter Sunday, you put it together and successfully rode around a nearby parking lot and were beside yourself excited. You did the same thing later in the year when you decided you would finally change your earrings 18 months after getting them pierced. You succeeded and changed them several times a day for the first few days. Similarly, you have also decided this year that you would try new foods and have discovered so many new things you enjoy, like BBQ and cheeseburgers from places other than McDonald’s. The other day, you tried a roasted sweet potato and loved it so much that it’s going to be a part of your birthday dinner, with tacos, of course!

The second story has to do with how impressed I am by your interest in new things. Without traditional extracurricular activities, like dance, your Mama and I tried to give you and EJ as much of a well-rounded experience as possible. We offered you a suite of options and you choose piano and golf. Mama started teaching you the basics of piano after you picked up the happy birthday song and a short classical piece during Bairdcation at Papa’s. I don’t know all the specifics of what you did, but I do know that you taught yourself how to play my favorite Christmas carol, "The First Noel", by ear using trial and error. I hope we find a way to help you keep learning if that’s something you want to do, but, if not, you should know that you showed some aptitude for it. Speaking of aptitude, I loved taking you and EJ for golf practice. We always pick out a snack, share a bucket of balls, and putt. I’ve tried to be really light on instruction, just letting you both build some coordination and have some fun. You hit some really well each time and get so excited. You also get uncharacteristically confident. You tell me and EJ to “watch how it’s done” before you hit, and say that “golf is your sport” and you are even considering it as a career option (along with astronaut and pediatrician).

Finally, I can’t possibly tell the story of your year without talking about reading. You’re still a math and science girl (for example, you just took a pie day girl scout class and took it upon yourself to memorize 14 digits!), but boy do you love to read. And our family reading time has become an obsession! Speaking of finding the good in things, the pandemic is what brought this on. Essentially, at the onset, a lot of artists and organizations made new content available virtually. Concerts, museums, NASA camps, and movies direct to streaming, including Hamilton, which has been a huge hit. One such artist was J.K. Rowling, who offered to share her first young adult book since Harry Potter for free, a few chapters at a time. You guys loved the two months we spent on The Ickabog so much that we decided to give Harry Potter a chance. Kid, it’s been a hit. I believe your five favorite books are, in order, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Prisoner of Azkaban, Chamber of Secrets, Sorcerer’s Stone, and The Ickabog. Can you guess which book we are reading now? I love so much that we have been able to read them together. I do most of the reading, voicing close to 40 characters over the first four books. I love to do it because you guys remember which voice is which and get so excited when you know who is talking before the book says it. But, I said it was a family affair and it really is! You handle the dialogue for 15 or so characters by my last count, including Hermoine, Professors Flitwich, Sprout and Grubby-Plank, and Tonks. Most are pretty close to your usual voice, but sometimes you throw in an amazing British accents. Mama has taken on some pretty important ones, like Dobby, Professor Umbridge and Moaning Myrtle, and EJ does a great job with Dudley and Neville Longbottom, though he would love to be responsible for the Malfoys. Whenever we finish a book, Mama sets up some sort of party with themed snacks and attire, and we watch the movie together. You also re-read the book immediately in under three days. 

Kiddo, I really don’t know how to sum up such a crazy year, but I hope I’ve shared some thoughts you are interested in reading. I have loved watching you grow these first nine years and am so excited for you because the best is yet to come. Happy birthday, Belle. 

I love you so very much,

Daddy.