Farewell, 2018

Another year has come and gone, and all my great intentions to get back to record-keeping in blog format have once again fallen by the wayside. Maybe next year! I do miss this old blog - writing is therapeutic for me and perhaps I'll resolve to do more of it in 2019.

Our 2018 was really a pretty good one on the whole. We did some great traveling, including a trip to New York City (kid-free!) for Eric and me in June, an extended vacation at my dad's house over the summer, and a two-week road trip that took us to Georgia, Alabama, Illinois, Ohio, Washington D.C. and North Carolina. E.J. started VPK and Ellie is rocking first grade. E.J. is still playing tee-ball (and Ellie plans to join him in the spring!) and Ellie has continued her ballet, in addition to worship dance at church. Both kids also sing in the choir.

Eric got a great new promotion at work and is now the Director of Policy at his non-profit, which is fantastic. He loves the work he does and I love that. He did a fair bit of work-related travel this year, which the kids don't mind too much because he always brings them treats when he returns. He also coached E.J.'s tee-ball and got involved with a mens' group at church.

I ramped up my running this year, having run 400 miles in 2018! That's more than I had run in the previous two years combined, so I kind of killed it. I ran two half marathons this year, too, and have another on the agenda for February. I also finished out the year with a ton of jury work, which was a nice way to end an otherwise quiet (work-wise) year. Other than that, it has been a lot of shuttling kids to and fro, moms' groups and general life upkeep for me.

Unfortunately, the final member of our family brings a sad update. Our sweet pup Achilles passed away unexpectedly at the beginning of November, just a little over a month after his 15th birthday. It has been a tough loss for our family, but I hope to write a fuller post in tribute to that sweet (and psycho) pooch as soon as I can.

Overall, however, I'm looking back on 2018 with peace and looking forward to 2019 with anticipation. We don't have a ton of stuff definitively planned for the new year yet, so it feels like a little bit of a blank slate. It's going to be fun!

I wish you all the best in the coming year, friends. Let's make it a good one.

Signing off for 2018,
Meghan

VIDEO: A look back on our year in 2018!

Dear E.J. - Four Years

My dear E.J.,

Today you are four years old and my heart is aching. You have grown into such a little boy this year, and as much as I love watching you grow into you, I can't shake the knowledge of how quickly Ellie went from age four to age six. A few minutes ago she was getting ready to start VPK in the fall, as you are now, and now she's an actual "grader," heading into first grade. There's no doubt that she is no longer a baby; she is a full-blown kid. As of now, there are still flashes of your babyhood hanging on, but as we celebrate this birthday I know that in seemingly a moment's time, you will have shed those, too. I wish you wouldn't, buddy. I have so enjoyed your baby years (and now your preschool ones)....can't we keep those going just a little longer? The big kid years can wait just a bit, right?

But, no matter how I feel about it, my baby boy is growing into such a big kid. You started school this year, and you did so well! You loved your teachers and you learned a lot. You can even write your name! One of your favorite school days was the day that Daddy came to read to your class and did a science experiment about gravity on the moon. You were so proud and told everyone you saw that day that your Daddy came to your class. You will start VPK this fall at the same school, and I remember how much more "intense" that was compared to PreK3 for Ellie, so I'm excited to see how much you learn this coming year!

You made some nice friends in school this year, including one little boy (your "best buddy") who joined us at the baseball game this weekend in honor of your birthday. You were so excited to see him, and you and he held hands all around the ballpark, which just broke my heart. At this age your heart is still so pure - you were excited to see your friend, so you held his hand. What a special thing. You also consider all your classmates your friends (and wanted to invite them all to the baseball game!), plus you have some nice church friends. You're just a very friendly little boy!

You took your first step into the world of organized sports this year, too, with your first two seasons of t-ball. You enjoyed it, liked your coach, and showed some definite improvement by the end of your second season! It was a good introduction to the sport, all about the very basic skills of the game, with little mini-games at the end of each practice. As a spectator, three-year-old t-ball was quite entertaining, with kids regularly leaving the field to hug their moms, crying in the outfield, or diving in piles on top of the ball (even the batter, after hitting it). We may try a different league this year so we'll see how you continue to like it!

In other extracurricular news, this year you graduated from the church nursery to actual Children's Church/Sunday School, and you sang in the Littlest Angels choir with Ellie. You also attended your first "real" (non-nursery) Vacation Bible School. You're still a fan favorite with people at church, and I know the nursery workers will be sad to no longer have you on Mondays during my moms' group this fall, as you'll be in school!

The last month or so marked another big milestone: you are finally tall enough to ride the Star Tours ride at Disney World! This has been long awaited and you rode for the first time during our most recent visit to Hollywood Studios. Also, your birthday today means you are officially old enough to do Jedi Training as well, and you are PSYCHED. I'm sure that is first on the agenda for a fall Disney trip.

Obviously, you are still a huge fan of Star Wars, and even got to see a Star Wars movie in the theater for the first time this year (in fact, you saw two: The Last Jedi and Solo!). You still lean to the Dark Side, but have started to dip your toes into the good guy side a bit this year. We have unintentionally started a "thing" of having you wear a different Star Wars costume to Hollywood Studios at every visit, which results in you being pulled from the crowd by your chosen character to walk back with them after the Star Wars show in front of the Chinese Theater. So in addition to having marched with the Storm Troopers as Kylo Ren, you have also marched alongside Boba Fett as his miniature replica, and with Chewbacca and Rey when you were dressed as Han Solo. You just eat it up and so does the crowd, as you fully commit to your character, walking with authority and playing the part to perfection (for example, when visiting Kylo Ren as Han Solo, you greeted him as "Ben Solo"). It is one of my favorite things to watch you commit to your role with such confidence, and to watch everyone else around us noticing how awesome you really are.

New this year is your obsession with superheroes, and Spider-Man in particular. We found a Spider-Man costume on clearance at Target after Halloween, so I bought it just to give you more dress-up options, and that was that. Another E.J. memory from this year that will make my all-time favorite highlight reel is you, dressed in full Spider-Man costume (or not - frankly, that part didn't matter to you much), "shooting webs" at everyone you encountered. The only problem with that was that at first, you couldn't quite master the web-shooting hand motion, so instead of doing what Spidey does, you were giving everyone the finger. If I had a nickel for every time I apologized to strangers for you flipping them the bird...! You also came home from school one day and proudly told me how you shot webs at all your friends at school, so I made sure to have a talk with your teachers to explain what you were trying to do and reassure them that you are not mimicking behavior you see at home or anything like that! Both luckily and sadly, you have now mastered the appropriate hand gesture, so the web-slinging continues without fear of offending strangers or getting expelled from preschool. We also just upgraded your old costume with a nicer, newer, bigger one, which was quite necessary as you wore the last one into the ground. Friends would comment about how every time they saw you this year, you were in full costume (mask included, and often finished off with hand-me-down cowboy boots). People got such a kick out of you! And, just as at Hollywood Studios, I love to see their smiles when they see you in full costume, in public, on any random day. You wear what makes you happy and it makes everyone else happy to see you doing so. You're the coolest.

Another thing you love this year is Halloween and all things spooky. We dressed up as classic Halloween characters for Halloween this year (you were a vampire) and you loved it. You have been obsessed with Halloween/spooky things ever since. You love the show Bat Pat, Halloween books, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. You even went through some of the haunted house areas at the zoo Halloween event this year, and when you made a beaded necklace at school as part of your Thanksgiving unit, you used only red beads to make it look like blood. Oh, you darling little weirdo.

Another funny thing you like is being tickled! You just explode into fits of giggles whenever you're tickled and then you repeat whatever action got you tickled in the first place (showing your bare belly, putting your bare feet in my lap, etc.) for as long as we will indulge you. You also love when Daddy squeezes you really tight - that produces a laugh like no other, so I encourage him to do it whenever you ask! You've also recently learned what a "noogie" is and request them frequently. Oh, you darling little weirdo.

You and Ellie have really become buds this year, which is so, so wonderful to watch. Sure, you know just how to press her buttons and often do so for sport, but this year you have really become great playmates and companions for each other. The two of you have been having "sleepovers" nearly every night this summer, and as soon as you wake up you start playing. You play together until I make you stop for breakfast or for an outing, and resume at the first chance you get. It's so wonderful to see you two enjoying each other so much.

Of course, this year was not without its struggles. Three-to-four is a tough year, I've learned. It was for Ellie and it was for you. There was lots of independence-asserting, limit-testing, tantrum-throwing, "I don't wanna"-yelling, arm-crossing and sulking, and time-out sitting. The year started out particularly challenging and then improved to only being challenging phases as we went along. I hope that you were able to benefit in some way by being the second-born, because I knew all this was coming and knew that it would pass, but I'm not sure that's the case because in the moment it can be frustrating to the core - not only because you were being disobedient or argumentative or causing a scene, but because I know that buried beneath all that three-year-old angst was (is) a very sweet, kind-hearted, loving boy who wasn't getting the recognition he deserved. I know I lost my temper more than I care to admit but I hope I remained patient enough of the time to reassure you that you are always loved, no matter what, while also being firm enough to set the boundaries you need to grow into a good, kind, respectful adult. Phew. This parenting stuff is a tricky business.

There is one thing that you have continued this year that I am so, so thankful for, and that is our morning snuggles. Each day we kick things off with you climbing up into my lap, leaning your head against my chest and just melting into me. I treasure those moments more than I can ever tell you, and every time our snuggle has slipped by in the morning chaos, you'll come up to me later in the day and say, "Mama, you haven't had your snuggle!" We'll stop what we're doing and sit together for just a few moments and it is so special to me. Thank you for allowing that to continue, buddy. Please don't take it away just yet.

As I mentioned, I know your baby-ish traits and behaviors are not going to stick around much longer. I'm trying my very best to savor everything I can. If you ask me to hold you, I try to memorize how sweet your face looks with those big brown eyes looking up at me, with arms outstretched, little hands reaching for me, and I try to say "yes" whenever I can. Every time you ask to go in the "wrapper," I try to say "yes" if I can because I know each time could be the last time. I try to write down all your mispronunciations, because I know they will correct themselves any day now. I try to make note of how soft your baby cheeks feel when I kiss you, and how small your hand feels in mine when we cross the street. Being the second child, I am painfully aware that every phase you go through is only a brief flash of time. It's a bit of wisdom that is appreciated in the challenging times and heartbreaking in the good ones. Knowing that you are my last baby makes it even more difficult to watch these phases pass us by. I'm not ready to let go of my baby yet.

But I know that is the work of a mother, of a parent. If I do my job right, I will have to let you go, piece by piece, little by little as the years go by. For now, letting you go means something as simple as you learning to pump your legs on the swings (which you just did in the last couple of weeks!) so you no longer need me to push you. It's just little tiny examples of you needing me less and less. I know that as time continues to pass there will be more and more instances where you don't need me, and the examples I can give will become more and more significant, until one day you will be gone, leading your own life. And it's beautiful to see, it really is. You're growing up and the person you're growing into is remarkable. It's just so strange how such a natural growth can be at once so heart wrenching and so exhilarating. I only hope that I can do my job well enough that when you no longer need me, you still want me around. I will always be here, E.J. I always love you, no matter what, and I love being your mother more than I can ever tell you.

Thank you for being you, sweet boy. Thank you for bringing so much joy to me and to our family. Thank you for the snuggles and the laughs and the love.

Happy birthday, nugget.

All my love,
Mama

* * * * *

My dear E.J.,

You have had quite a fourth year and, long story short, you're still awesome.

I feel like we're doing something right because I had a really easy time recalling vivid memories from this year. Maybe it's because you did some major things like playing t-ball(1) or rocking 2-day preschool. It could also be that we made some good one-on-one memories, like going to our first Jags game (in the rain) or riding your first real roller coaster at Disney (you were poker-faced the whole time, but when I asked you what you thought at the end, you said simply, "great"), or going to see the "superhero show" (Marvel's Super Heroes Live). Or maybe it's because you fell in love with Halloween and "spooky stuff" was so much fun to play all year.

I'll leave more detailed story-telling to your mama because she is so good at it. Instead, I like to use these letters to step back and take stock of the fatherhood experiment and try to give you a glimpse into the things I am thinking about. The headline so far is how much fun it is. Honestly, you and your sister are great kids and all the teaching and playing is so much cooler than even my greatest expectations. It helps that, for the most part, you're sweet to each other (a few months ago, this would have been a different letter, but you outgrew your terrible threes early!), you're curious, cuddly and you laugh out loud every single day. E.J., it doesn't make any more sense this year, but "charismatic" is still a word I would use to describe you. Your joy is infectious and you have a magnetic personality that makes people young and old want to be around you. And that is just so much fun to take credit for! Thanks!

Anyway, I have been thinking about one of the most popular phrases in all of birthday letter writing - "You are really growing up/becoming so much more of a real person." And you really are with all the things we do now and the way you are able to participate and talk about them. But I have really been wondering what are you going to be like when you are actually grown up and how much of what you do now is going to apply in some way then. For example, you loved learning to play baseball, and have a naturally powerful swing. You seemed to enjoy the process of getting better and can throw like someone twice your size. If you are still playing in 20 years, it will be really interesting to know it started now and read about how you developed over time. If you don't, I bet there will be pieces or lessons that are interesting and relevant. If neither, it is not any less fun to do right now, but it might mean that "growing" you is just different from "grown" you. I wonder this even more about your personality and the way you think about things and relate to other people. What will it mean that you need a daily snuggle from your mama or that you (adorably, for now) blame inanimate objects for things that you do wrong (I'm looking at you, toys and Jesus from E.J.'s heart). I don't really have it worked out at all, so I am mostly trying to stay in all the moments and only try to help you be the best version of whoever you are now. To be honest, I don't really think I will have much to do with the outcome, so I am just trying to be grateful for all your great qualities while hoping they stick around for all the years to come.

Before I go, there is some other stuff you do now that I really love and want you to know about (or just to remind myself in case I forget). First, I love that you're always thinking. At random, you will just start talking about characters from Star Wars or superheroes or something that happened to you months ago in a very serious and matter-of-fact way so it's clear you have been working on it in your head for minutes or more. I'm pretty sure I talked about mic-ing you up in a previous letter. Basically, you're still just as much fun, but some of that stream of consciousness has moved inside your head. I also love your budding interest in science. Ellie has been a big fan for years so I try to tell her stuff whenever she asks and we all look for new things to investigate. You have obviously been paying attention because sometimes you'll start explaining something, scramble out one or two disjointed facts, get stuck and conclude by saying, "and that's science."

Man, you're fun, and I love you so very much.

In fact, All my love,

Daddy
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Dear Ellie - Six Years

My dear Ellie,

Today you are six years old, and I am beside myself. Six! It just seems so old. You're definitely not a baby anymore, and the toddler years are long gone. When you're five, I can still kind of lump you in with the preschoolers, but when you're six? No. Not a baby. Not a toddler. Not a preschooler. A KID. An actual, real-life KID. I can't believe it.

And your annual birthday photo just reinforces it. Look at you! Is that not the face of a kid? When I compared this photo to last year's, the difference was striking. Your limbs have stretched and thinned and that sweet baby face has melted away to reveal the beautiful girl you're growing into. Man, oh, man, kiddo. When did all this happen?

Adding to your "big kid" looks is the gap in your teeth at the bottom center - you lost your first two teeth this year! You and I made a special Tooth Fairy Mailbox that has worked wonderfully, and you've been saving your teeth earnings to buy something special soon (you've got your eye on a mermaid doll from our local toy store!). I was not emotionally prepared for the teeth-losing stage, and you have discovered that I don't have a very strong stomach for such things. You love to torment me with your wiggly teeth!

Another reason why I can't lump you in with the preschoolers anymore? Because you aren't one! You're in kindergarten now! You started at a new school in the fall and adjusted beautifully. You were pretty worn out at the end of the day at the beginning of the year (it's a long school day!), but you've settled in now and we've even finally officially dropped nap time. You're learning a lot - you excel at (and are excited for) math, and your reading is coming along so nicely! You do your homework without complaint (usually) and are always happy to go to school. You love your teacher, as is your way, and you've found a best friend (Sophie, both from your class and our church).

I love that your school is so close to our house, because we walk to and from school every day and I really enjoy that time with you. It's always a rush to get out the door in the morning, but then once we're on our way, we can chat about things coming up or what you're looking forward to in your day. When I pick you up, I can hear about the things you did without distraction. Also, I love that even though you're at the "big kid" school now, you're still little enough to not only want me to walk with you all the way to your classroom (even though you could totally do it by yourself), but you also want to hold my hand the whole way. As soon as we step out our door or you come running out of school to greet me, you grab my hand as we walk together. Every time you do, I feel such joy and I really try to treasure that. I know the day will come far too quickly that you'll stop reaching for my hand, so I try to make note of just how special it is every time it happens.

You still want to be an astronaut, and a doctor, too! You're still into all things space, and we even got annual passes to Kennedy Space Center this year. And oh, boy, I can't even tell you how proud your Daddy and I were when we walked into your VPK graduation and they were showing photos and quotes from each graduate on the projector screens, including what you want to be when you grow up. There, for all the world (of preschool graduates and their families) to see, under your adorable photo, was your answer: "I want to be the first astronaut on Mars." Good for you, baby girl. I really believe that you're the kind of kid who, if you've got your mind set on something, can make it happen. You've already said, for example, that despite being nervous about learning to swim this summer, you're just going to have to do it because astronauts train underwater. And because you've said that, I believe you will.

Your mind is a powerful, powerful thing. I mean, I know everyone's is, generally, but you seem to have a particular resolve that can only be broken by your own will. There have been a number of times where something has just terrified or upset you to your core, and nothing we said or did could give you any peace or confidence about it. But then, seemingly out of nowhere, you'll decide that you're okay with it, whatever situation or activity it may be that was causing you such anguish. And just like that, it's resolved, and it's not an issue again. It's baffling to watch, really. Whatever you set your mind on will be, until you decide otherwise, and we're really just along for the ride.

Naturally, I hope we can harness that skill to our advantage as you hit the teen years and prime "peer pressure" phase. As of now, you continue to be a rule follower to the extreme. For example, while sitting in the front pew with your church choir a few weeks ago, the rest of the children were all kneeling/sitting on the pew kneelers. However, before the service, your choir teacher had told all of you not to do that. So, you didn't. You were the only child still standing as you were supposed to, but so help you, you would not disobey and kneel. You did not care one bit that every other child was doing just that and nobody was getting in trouble. You would NOT kneel. Keep that resolve, kiddo! And please, use it for good someday. I don't want to be on the wrong side of that strong will of yours, that's for sure. Heaven help your dad and me if (when) you decide to use it against us.

This year, however, you have experimented with breaking the rules a little bit. There was some short-lived limit-testing at school, and you've started occasionally fighting back when E.J. gets after you. When that happens he is always taken quite by surprise! But really, on the whole, you stay out of trouble and do just what you're supposed to.

One thing that has been on my mind a bit is how to help you build your confidence to answer a question when you aren't completely sure of the answer. In particular, this issue has come up as we practice your reading. You often seem to be so scared of getting something wrong that you refuse to even try, and you sort of mentally check out and/or get upset about it. Your dad and I keep telling you over and over that we don't care if you get it wrong; we just want you to try! We also try to stress that scientists get things wrong all the time, and it's a great way to learn new things. But still, it's a struggle, and it's one that I understand. I would never raise my hand in class because I was always afraid I'd get the answer wrong, even if I knew I knew it. So I empathize with that. However, I wish you didn't feel that way around us. I hope we're able to find the perfect thing to say to let you know that it's safe to make mistakes around us (or, that your iron will will decide that on your own soon!), because I hope you know that we always love you, mistakes and all.

This year you traveled out of the country for the first time! We celebrated ten yeas of marriage for Daddy and me with a trip to the Cayman Islands for all four of us. We had such a wonderful week - we played on the beach a ton, swam in the pools, held starfish, turtles and stingrays and really just had a great time. You still talk about that trip a lot! I'm so glad we were able to take you back to a place that Daddy and I have enjoyed so many times before. You also attended your first wedding this year! We traveled to North Carolina to see my cousin Adam get married, and you had a great time staying in a house on a lake with some of our extended family, and dancing with your Hesterman cousins at the wedding.

Another big event for you this year was surgery. You had your adenoids removed and ear tubes put in over the summer. You were exceedingly brave and your health has been much improved this year, thank goodness.

You also had your third significant hurricane experience this fall (the first was Hurricane Sandy when we were still in New Jersey, and we evacuated for Hurricane Matthew last year). Hurricane Irma made her way up the entire length of Florida, and we decided to stay put. In the end, we fared pretty well, especially compared to a lot of our neighbors: the biggest issue we faced was that our huge tree in the backyard split in half and fell (backwards, away from the house, praise God) through our fence. Between that and a downed tree in our neighbor's yard, our alley and driveway were completely obstructed, so we were stuck at home for a few days. We also lost power for about 24 hours, and school was closed for a week. The night the hurricane hit was a very scary one, and we ended up spending the night all camped out under the stairs together, making shadow puppets with flashlights to pass the time and calm our nerves. Unfortunately a lot of our neighborhood ended up underwater, including the "blue house," where we lived before our current house. The hurricane happened in early October and the blue house is only just now back on the rental market, and many local businesses (and homes) nearby either closed for good or are still working on repairs. You guys were pretty spooked by the power outage, and were sad about our tree, but for the most part, you handled it in stride. You were eager to help with cleanup and when you returned to school you drew a picture about your experiences, including black windows in our house to show the power outage, and you sitting on the downed tree making sure Achilles didn't escape through the broken fence!

As for other interests this year, you still love books (the Pinkalicious series is a favorite), coloring and art projects, and science. You and Daddy do science experiments together and your favorite T.V. show is probably The Magic School Bus. You like to play outside (especially in the front yard), and can pump your legs to swing by yourself at the playground. You and E.J. play so well together now, and some of your favorite pretend-play games are "house" and "restaurant." You love bunnies, and play often with your stuffed bunnies, as well as twitching your nose at anybody who will indulge you. You also like to play with your dolls Sharri (my old favorite!) and Lily, and love to dress, undress and redress any and all dolls you have with removable clothes.

You still love music and dance, and often ask for me to turn on music (Disney Princess music, of course) so you can dance around the family room. You're still taking ballet lessons, though you have also requested piano lessons so we may look into that in the fall. You also do worship dance at church, in addition to the Littlest Angels choir. You also still enjoy running, and have run several mile races this year. You can run an 11-minute mile! Can you believe that? Impressive, kid. You also joined the running club at school, so you're running regularly.

I mentioned it briefly just a moment ago, but it bears repeating - you and E.J. have been playing so nicely together lately. In fact, you'll often just go off and play together for long periods of time, with nothing required of me! It's wild. I love that you guys seem to be enjoying each other so much now. Siblings are so special and I hope you two will always feel lucky to have each other.

You're just really growing up. You keep seeking out new responsibilities at home and are eager to learn how to do things for yourself. You have started making your own breakfast (and E.J.'s!) in the morning and are excited to learn how to pack your own lunch (that makes two of us!). You like to have "jobs," like getting Achilles out of his crate when we get home, and you always want us to show you how to do new things. I'm excited to start giving you more responsibility, but at the same time, let's not make me entirely superfluous just yet, okay?

Ellie, you're such a special girl. You're so smart - you ask such insightful questions and are so excited to learn. You're so loving, giving us hugs and kisses and cuddles all the time. You're thoughtful - you're always thinking about what other people like, want or need and, for example, drawing us pictures of our favorite things. You love spending time with your family, and the feeling is very, very mutual. It is an absolute pleasure to watch you growing into the woman you will someday be. I am in awe of the girl you are now and can only imagine what is to come for you. I'm so honored to be along for the ride.

I'm so proud of you, Ellie. I'm so proud to be your mama. You are so precious to me.

I love you always, baby girl. Always, always. No matter what.

Happy birthday, bug.

All my love,
Mama

* * * * *

My dear Ellie,

Happy birthday! Six years old, and what a sixth year it has been! You finished preschool and started kindergarten, ran an 11-minute mile on accident and then did it again, travelled outside the country, started learning how to add, subtract and read, and drew and colored thousands of pictures! Oh, and you lost two teeth and all of the "baby fat" I didn't realize you had.

Before we get too far ahead of ourselves, you still don't really get the difference between noticing when something is cooler than average and absolutely freezing. You still love to act like an animal (especially a bunny) and use baby talk, which is really just noises and repeating single word answers. We also have to remind you to keep your room from becoming a disaster and to find more kind and constructive ways to correct your brother. While I have to admit it feels a little strange to point out some of the less exciting things about you at this age, it occurs to me that these might also be fun for you to read about someday and should make it clear that no-one is perfect.

That said, you, sweetheart, seem awfully close for your age. Obviously, I love you - you're my daughter, but I don't just have the words to express how much I really, really like you. It feels like you and I have a really special thing going and I honestly look forward to spending time with you. For example, we are math and science buddies. We have multiple science experiment books and have done a handful of them this year. We build space-themed Legos. As a kindergartner, you get excited about the math homework that we do together each week and are legitimately disappointed when yo don't learn any science at school. The Ellie slide at your preschool "graduation" said that your favorite thing about school was "Learning about space" and your future plans are to be the "First astronaut on Mars." In fact, after we read about how the training to become an astronaut includes wilderness survival, you and I camped out in the backyard. We stayed up really late looking through your telescope, did an experiment to understand the phases of the moon, told stories and went to sleep in a tent that was equal parts hot and small.

We also did a lot of other fun things together, like got to a daddy-daughter dance (where we had a great time even though the restaurant lost power), attended a TedX panel called "Rediscovering Space," went for runs around the block, out to dinner multiple times, and shared our very first bucket at the driving range.

Before I move on, I want to put in writing that you should consider "A Whole New World" when it comes time to pick a daddy-daughter dance at your wedding. As you may recall, we used to sing it to each other as a bedtime song when E.J. was a baby and it was just you and me. Well, it came on the radio while we were driving to one of our dates. We spontaneously started singing our parts and I had myself a decent man-cry in the front seat. If that's the kind of thing you're going for, it will probably be a decent option. Take it or leave it.

There are also some big things we're working on, the most important of which is that you sometimes get physically anxious about trying new things. Some of this is age or personality and you may grow out of it, but it also seems to include a fear of being wrong that makes you hesitant to, for example, try sounding out some new words. I am fairly persuaded by recent research on something called "growth mindset." It was coined in a book by Carol Dweck and it says that people who believe they can get better with practice actually grow more than people who believe skills, like intelligence, are fixed. The latter thinking means that while getting things right can be validating, the opposite proves you aren't as smart as you think you are which can be crushing, depending on how much of your identity is tied to that trait. I know I want to help you develop a growth mindset, but need to do a better job encouraging your effort and not always praising you when you get things right (which is almost all of the time). I know I was afraid to get things wrong growing up and that it kept me from pushing myself to be as smart as I could be. You have big dreams, baby girl, and successful people are the ones that make mistakes so they can learn from them.

Similarly, I have been thinking a lot about practicing what I am preaching. It's really easy to be afraid of falling short, or even to use family or other commitments as excuses for not setting big, ambitious goals for myself. However, I have been wondering if it would be better to seriously pursue something at which I could fail and whether I might learn something I could share or you might be getting old enough to learn vicariously. For me, this might be something like running fast again, becoming a good golfer, or writing and sharing my thinking on social and political issues. I am not prepared to commit to anything here, but I wanted to note how interesting it is to me that I might be learning from  what I am trying to teach you.

Ellie, I can't wait to see what this year has in store for us. You are such an amazing little girl, and I am so incredibly happy that you are mine.

I love you so much!

All my love,
Daddy