Our Time in St. Petersburg

When all was said and done, we spent the better part of two weeks in June in St. Petersburg before and after Toni passed. Much of this time was spent taking care of related business, but we did try to have some fun mixed in there, too, both as a mental break for us adults and a treat for our kids, who were so insanely good the whole time.

I have to mention in particular how good the kids were at the services for Toni, too, before I get into the rest of the stuff from our visit. We took both children to both the private burial and the public celebration, because it felt important to us for the whole family to be there. At the burial, I wore E.J. in the wrap the whole time and he didn't make a peep. As for Ellie, she announced that the cemetery was "just like a beach" when we walked along the sandy path towards the ceremony, which I thought was a beautifully childlike, optimistic, sweet thing to say. During the ceremony she sat quietly in a chair under the tent, looking at her books when she got restless. When Eric got up to give the eulogy, she looked at him, patted his empty chair next to her and said, "Daddy can't talk. Daddy just has to sit down." Frankly, I think Toni herself would have loved that! When it was time to place the flowers at the end of the service, Ellie announced that she did not want to leave her flower, but was persuaded to place another one if she could keep her original.

After the service we all went out to eat at Olive Garden, and the kids were absolute angels. Both were overtired and under the weather but they were so good. I'm so glad we didn't chicken out and leave them at home.

Ellie having fun with Uncle Ronnie at Olive Garden

The whole grouop

At the celebration of life service, once again both kids quietly kept themselves happy during the program (E.J. in the wrap again, and Ellie sitting with Grammy). Afterwards, E.J. entertained himself by collecting ALL THE DIRT IN THE WORLD on his right leg when he was allowed to crawl around, and Ellie had fun playing with various family members. She also danced with Eric when "Perfect Fan" by the Backstreet Boys came up on the playlist, which I thought was beautiful—that's the song Eric and Toni danced to at our wedding.

Ellie and Aunt Kelley

E.J. showing off his masterpiece: that right leg. That is not a shadow, my friends. I can't even tell you how many baby wipes it took to see his actual skin color again.

So basically, the kids were wonderful. Sure, Ellie had some bad tantrum days and E.J.'s sleep was all screwy (it's never a good thing when your kid has been up so long already that they're due for a nap by 7:30 in the morning), but when it mattered, they were at their best. What a lucky mama I am!

So anyway. As I mentioned in my last post, our drive down to St. Pete the first time was the stuff nightmares are made of. Here is Ellie expressing how we all felt about our 3.5-hour drive taking us SIX TORTUROUS HOURS:

Preach it, girl.

Once we got there, though, we managed to find some time for fun. Here are a few of the things we did to keep ourselves occupied:

E.J. spent a lot of time finding ways to get into trouble at Papa's house. Favorites included: trying to get mauled by the cat; trying to explore the litter box; opening all the kitchen cabinets and carrying packages of cookies around the house; banging his head into the front window repeatedly; yanking on the vertical blinds; climbing into any and all tables he could find; trying to climb into bookshelves; pressing all the buttons on all the electronics all the time; trying to stick his fingers in the un-childproofed electrical sockets; enjoying the breeze at the air vent; and climbing up Papa's chair and sliding down the footrest.

E.J. in the middle of the dining room table, and quite pleased with himself

The boys at the front window

VIDEO: Sliding on Papa's chair

He did also get in some good bonding time with Papa, however. Man, he loves that guy! He was forever crawling to his feet and reaching up to be held. He and Papa even have a nose-pinching game now that is a huge hit.

Playing with Papa

Meanwhile, Ellie got lots of good Papa time, too. They played together a ton, cleaned the pool, washed our car, and spent some time in the pool. Papa even taught her how to get in and out of the pool and swim all by herself (with her Puddle Jumpers on)! Impressive!

That Papa sure is a slave driver.

Washing our car

Reading together

VIDEO: Ellie showing off her swimming skills: "I'm an octopus! I'm an octopus!"

And speaking of fun with grandparents, Ellie got to spend the first weekend we were down at Grammy's house, which she enjoyed quite a bit!

You know you might be at Grammy's when you're eating bubblegum ice cream after your pizza dinner.

E.J. also got to have fun at Grammy's house when we picked Ellie up that Sunday. He was especially a fan of the skinny dipping.

Loving his naked pool time

E.J., my dad and I also went downtown for the Saturday Morning Market and walked over to the Sundial for a bit.

Checking things out—lots of changes to downtown St. Pete that I hadn't seen yet!

Fresh fish inside the Locale Market

We also went up to the splash park in Dunedin and met my mom and Gary there for some water fun.

E.J. was not bothered by all the water in the slightest!

Ellie didn't like the noise, but she managed to have some fun, too.

E.J. and Eric enjoying the cool water

With my mom

And, our family foursome plus my dad spent a morning at the Florida Aquarium, which Ellie loved and talks about quite a bit.

Aquarium time!

That gator better quit eyeballing my baby like that.

Touch tank

Ellie and a turtle

Jellyfish!

These guys were a hoot.

Lots to see!

On our last night in town, we had a little early Father's Day celebration with my dad: fun in the pool and pizza for dinner. It was a great time! E.J. got to join in the swimming, courtesy of a new raft I picked up for him. I thought he would stay in there for a minute or two for pictures and then want out, but he was happy as could be just floating in that thing forever.

Real men float in pink.

Ellie the fish!

Laughing at Papa

And that was that! We had some good fun in there, but we were still very glad to be home when the time came. We'll be back again soon for E.J.'s birthday party!

Toni

Thank you to everyone who shared their kind words of support and sympathy after Eric's mother passed away. To be honest, it still doesn't quite feel real but we are grateful for your caring and concern.

I want to talk a little bit about what happened and how we ultimately paid tribute to such a special woman. As you know, Toni suffered a massive stroke about six years ago. At that time, honestly, we thought she wouldn't make it through. But she did, because she was so impressively strong. For the next six years she lived in a nursing home, but was able to come be a part of family celebrations, holidays, and regular visits. For six years, almost every time we saw her, we would leave the visit marveling at how much better she seemed: more conversational, telling jokes, participating, asking questions, seeming more like herself. It was really good to have her around.

Honestly, however, we did a lot of mourning for Toni in the immediate aftermath of the stroke. Yes, she pulled through against all odds and showed improvement visit after visit, but she still was unable to live at home, or give Eric parenting advice, or chat on the phone for any length of time. The relationship Eric had with her already was forced to change drastically, and essentially he already lost  much of the mother he knew. But we were so grateful that she was still there, still able to be a part of our lives, still able to share memories and meet her grandchildren and celebrate our big life events. It was really special to us to have her be a part of all those things for the last six years. In a way, it felt like borrowed time.

A couple of months ago, Toni developed an infection that took a disastrous toll on her body. After some time in the hospital, she recovered, but never fully recovered. Ultimately, complications from that infection were too much to overcome.

We got word on Tuesday, June 8th that Toni's condition was rapidly deteriorating, and Hospice didn't seem to think she would make it through the weekend. That happened to be Eric's last day of school for the year, so the next morning we packed up our things and drove down to St. Pete - an epically bad drive. We drove through insane sheets of rain numerous times throughout the trip, and terrible traffic from Orlando to Tampa. A trip that usually takes us 3.5 hours took us six, with two kids who missed naps and a whiny dog. That was a day, alright.

Thursday morning Eric golfed with his brother Ronnie and visited with his grandmother, who had also fallen very ill and was in the hospital. They also went to visit Toni. Toni had mostly been sleeping but she was awake during that visit and was able to tell Eric she loved him.

On Friday, we all went to visit. We hoped Toni would be awake to see the kids, but she was sleeping soundly when we arrived. We stayed a few minutes but decided not to try to wake her. We kissed her good-bye and left, and on our way out, a nurse stopped us to ask if we had decided on a funeral home. That sparked a flurry of activity, trying to figure out exactly what we wanted to do in terms of arrangements when the time came.

As a side note, I would like to highly recommend to everyone that if you have particular wishes for what you'd like to happen after you pass, please make those known to your loved ones, and clearly (preferably in writing). There was much debate and back and forth over what Toni wanted, and it was stressful to try to figure out the best way to handle everything in a way that everyone would feel comfortable with. We spent the weekend going over everything time and again, and making calls and talking things through and doing research, but without resolution.

On Saturday, Eric spent the morning with his dad and brother, and then that afternoon we went back to visit Gramz at the hospital. We ran into Eric's aunt, uncle and cousin, just leaving as we arrived, and had a nice chat with them. Eric and Gramz had a long talk while I took fidgety E.J. back outside to crawl around in the grass in front of the hospital.

On Sunday we went up to my mom's house for a bit before driving back to Jacksonville. Eric was due to start a new summer fellowship the next day. We debated calling off work from the new job and extending our stay, but ultimately decided that we would likely be returning soon and didn't know when or for how long, so we thought it best to go back home in the meantime. Our drive back to Jacksonville was uneventful, but Eric and I spent a lot of time talking through other ideas for how to handle things in the event of Toni's passing. We talked a lot about the woman she was and the best way to pay tribute to her in a way that we knew she would love.

When we arrived back in Jacksonville, the kids seemed very happy to be home. We let them enjoy their house a bit before feeding them dinner and putting them to bed. We had just finished preparing our own dinner when Eric's sister Kelley called with the news that Toni had just passed.

We knew it was coming, but the moment was very surreal. How could this really be happening? We hugged each other and cried.

And then immediately, decisions had to be made. As far as plans, we had left with things still very much up in the air. Eric and I talked everything through very carefully but quickly and at last, the ideas we had swirling around during our drive kicked into place and we knew what we wanted to do.

We drove back down to St. Petersburg the very next day, and immediately upon arrival Eric went to meet with the funeral home to make all the arrangements. He also picked up his grandmother from the hospital and took her home, where he met with Kelley to talk things through. (Although Gramz was discharged from the hospital that day, she took a big turn for the worse as the week wore on and unfortunately was back in the hospital by the time of the funeral. I know that was so hard for her and I hate that she had all this going on at once.)

In the end, we decided to have Toni buried at the Largo Cemetery. Our sister-in-law Stephanie helped us select a lovely spot under a tree, and Toni was buried there in a private ceremony for family and close friends on Thursday, June 18th. Pastor Joyce from Kelley's church led the service, and did a lovely job. Ronnie and Kelley read Bible passages and Eric gave the eulogy that I shared in my previous post about Toni. I also read the following poem:

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived. 

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left. 

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared. 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. 

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. 

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on. 

- David Harkins

We concluded the ceremony by placing brightly colored flowers onto the lowered casket. Even Ellie placed one (though she wanted to hold onto hers at first).

After the ceremony, all the siblings, cousin Tara and close friend Leighanne went to Olive Garden (Toni's favorite restaurant) for lunch. It was so nice to spend that time together.

On Saturday we held a public Celebration of Life for Toni at Taylor Park in Largo, and invited all who knew her to join us. The event was relaxed and filled with memories of a great woman, which is just what we hoped for. Again, there was a brief program: "I Hope You Dance" (a song with special meaning for Kelley and Toni) played to kick things off, then Kelley's Pastor Tash spoke. Ronnie read a verse again, and Eric gave his eulogy, and I read the poem. We then opened up the floor to people to share memories. We also had tins with notecards and markers on all the tables and we asked people to write down their memories of Toni and add them to a clothesline we had going around the pavilion, featuring our own memories and pictures. People wrote some really beautiful things, and I loved that by hanging them up around the space it was like we were literally surrounded by happy memories of Toni.

People also had really nice things to say when they came up to speak to us. Toni made such an impression on so many lives—I'm not even sure she could have realized how many, in fact. What a special person.

After the program there was food and we all just stood around and talked about Toni and caught up with people we hadn't seen in a long time. It was really, really nice. I was so pleased with how it came together. Eric, Kelley, Cathy and I worked hard to put it together (and Kelley and Cathy definitely bore the brunt of the legwork, for which we are grateful), and it turned out nicely.

And that was it, really. We came back home on Sunday and now it's back to regular life.

It still feels very surreal. As I mentioned, much of our mourning was already done after the stroke six years ago, but it is still hard to believe that she's gone. I think that will creep up on us, for example, when she's not at E.J.'s birthday party in a couple of weeks. Or at Christmas. Or if we have another baby that she won't be able to meet. Those little things that were so important for us to have her be a part of...those are the moments that will be the most difficult, I think.

Throughout my years of knowing Toni, I tried to let her know how much she meant to me. I admired her immensely—her devotion to her children was an unparalleled selfless love. She was strong and she was smart and she was kind. She welcomed me into her family with open arms, even when I was nothing but a shy sixteen-year-old kid. She was funny and bold and outspoken. She never put on airs; she just always was who she was, and who she was was something special.

Even though I know I tried to tell Toni how much I appreciated her and her family, I still am left wondering if it was enough, if she really knew that I felt I hit the mother-in-law jackpot, or if she knew how much I hope to be a mother like her to my children.

I hope she knew all that, because not only do I appreciate her for who she was, but for the legacy she left behind. She raised three wonderful kids, one of whom in particular I am quite fond of. She raised Eric to be the perfect husband for me. Like his mother, he is strong and smart and kind. Like his mother, he puts his family first and loves selflessly. He is the exceptional father to our children that he is because of his mother. Toni's memory will carry on in the husband and father that Eric is, and hopefully, it will continue when our children are caring for their own families someday. My children will benefit immeasurably because of Toni's legacy. That is a beautiful thing and it is a debt I cannot repay.

Thank you, Toni. Thank you for all you did for your family and for all of us. We love you.

An Unconventional Angel

I realize that once again, a fair amount of time has passed since my last post. I am deeply saddened to share with you the reason why: Eric's mother, Toni, passed away last Sunday evening.

As you probably recall, Toni suffered a stroke six years ago. That experience and her journey since have been pretty well-documented here. I have written much about her strength and have shared how much I admire her, and how much it has meant with us that her fighting spirit allowed her to be around with us for the last six years, including for the birth of her three grandchildren. However, since we last saw her over Memorial Day, she took a turn for the worse and ultimately found her peace last weekend.

We have been in St. Petersburg for the last week and a half, being with family and making arrangements. Toni was laid to rest in a private burial service on Thursday morning (followed by a family lunch at Olive Garden, her favorite restaurant) and today was her public Celebration of Life service. Both events were beautiful and, I think, perfectly paid tribute to a truly exceptional woman.

I will share more with you in the coming week, but in honor of Toni's celebration today, I wanted to share the eulogy Eric wrote for his mother. He so eloquently captured who Toni was and what made her so special to all who knew her. I think she touched more lives than she ever could have known, and so many people are so much better for having known her.

And so, in Eric's words:

First of all, I am tremendously humbled by this opportunity to speak about the life of someone who means more to me than I could possibly put into words. I will do my best to explain some of what I think made her so special, but I do think we would be remiss not to take advantage of the personal reflection brought on by death. In processing it, we are given a precious opportunity to appreciate our own lives more deeply. Going forward, I am convicted to love others more; to approach each day on purpose; and to faithfully pursue an honest relationship with our God. 

The reality of death also gives us a natural occasion to consider life's existential questions: Why are we here? And what does it all mean? But as I began to ponder the imponderable, I realize that if my mother were here, she would almost definitely be rolling her eyes at me. Actually, there's a good chance she would have slapped me by now. 

I think that was one of the things people loved about her. Not only did she live life in the present, but she was rather irreverent. She not only spoke her mind, but she was never afraid to say what you wouldn't because of social convention or some other such nonsense. Just this week, Meghan was telling me that one of her favorite memories is the giant smile my mom used to get after she would say something really inappropriate. She was very easy to talk to and so much fun to be around. Her personality was endearing and it was adorable. Which is why she was able to be hilarious in that off-color way where you know the kind of thing she's about to say, but you're still caught off guard when she says it. 

My mom was very real and down-to-earth and honestly didn't care what other people thought of her or what she was doing. However, I think the reason she didn't care what other people thought is what made her unique. I believe it is because she was just too busy caring everything she had to care about those she loved. 

You see, my mother was an unconventional angel. While she was every bit of the lovably outspoken friend we all hold dear, she also devoted more of her existence to the things that really matter to anyone I have ever known. She leaves behind no estate whatsoever, but, instead, a legacy of unconditional love and an invaluable example of selfless devotion. 

In the time that I knew her there was never a doubt about who she loved, how sincerely she felt, or what she thought was important. She spent the second half of her professional life in the service of children, countless numbers of whom now benefit from that devotion. Many of whom are here today. For my brother, sister and myself, she sacrificed a professional career and a personal life because she believed doing so gave us the absolute best chance to achieve both for ourselves. It's one thing to speak of love in an all-encompassing way, but a completely different thing to live it. 

Before I close, I want to share one of Meghan's favorite Bible verses with you. It comes from Romans, Chapter 8: 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My mother came as close to living out that kind of love as I believe is humanly possible. To the extent I am able to love others in any meaningful way, I know it will be because of the example she set for me. She is loved and will be missed dearly.

Toni Alice W.aters: beloved mother, daughter, sister, friend.

Memorial Day Weekend

We spent this past long holiday weekend down in St. Petersburg for a nice visit with family. We got off to a bit of a rocky start, with E.J. unable to nap in the car on the drive down and then likewise in his Pack-N-Play at my dad's house. We had planned to go to the Tampa Bay Rays game that afternoon as well, but that got scrapped and the stormy afternoon weather kept us otherwise inside. Luckily, the kids found ways to keep themselves entertained inside Papa's house.

He couldn't get to sleep in his bed, but as soon as I picked him up he got the sleepy eyes and before I knew it, he was asleep in my arms for the first time since he was teeny tiny. I ended up laying in the bed and dozing with him for some time, and it was so special to me. He has never been one to cuddle while sleeping so I really treasured that.

And, then he was rested to be back up to his old tricks. In this case, he's climbing up/onto/through a table to get at an electrical outlet. Just another day at the office.

Ellie and Papa playing piano

Thankfully, Sunday went much better. We started the morning off by visiting Toni, and Gramz, Ronnie and Charlie joined us. Both Toni and Gramz were ill when we were down in March, so this was the first we were able to see them since Christmas. It was good to see them! Ellie was a bit shy, but E.J. was his usual charming self.

Ellie standing outside of Toni's room

Games with Gramz!

Kisses from his Nonnie

After our visit we went to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast with Ronnie and Charlie. After we ate, the big kids had a great time running all over the place and playing together!

Charlie and Ellie

She sneak-attack hugged him!

Cousins!

Brothers and babes

After breakfast we went back to my dad's house, where we enjoyed a quick play session....

Playing with Papa

...before E.J. went down for a nap (which he actually took!), and the rest of us donned our swimsuits and hit the pool.

Pool party!

That is a happy girl!

Ellie had an absolute blast in the pool. We all did, actually! We all took turns on "Ellie duty" and had a great time swimming, playing with the pool bubbles, floating on Papa's raft and making waves.

Pool fun time

Ellie and Eric

Taking a break from the pool to run through the sprinkler!

Happy little fish!

We took a break from the water to grill some hot dogs and hamburgers ("Papa made fire!" says Ellie) and enjoy a nice picnic lunch outside.

Lunch is served!

E.J. woke up while we were eating our lunch (two-hour nap WHAT), and we got him suited up and brought him out to join the fun.

Rocking a Memorial Day-appropriate hat

Welcome to the pool, E.J.!

Swimming!

Swimming with my boy!

The weather started to turn gray and drizzly at just the right time, as we were ready to wrap things up anyway. We went inside and it was naptime for Ellie, while Eric, E.J. and I went out to kill some time at the mall. The rest of the evening was spent playing at Papa's house before calling it a night.

We brought E.J.'s walker home with us so he could really cover some distance in a bigger house

Reading with Ellie before bed

And that was it! We left for our return to Jacksonville the next morning, and the rest of our Memorial Day was spent pretty quietly around our home. It was a quick but really nice visit!