Dear E.J. - 8 Years

My dear E.J.,

Happy birthday, buddy! You're eight years old now! How exciting! You are definitely the coolest eight-year-old I know.

This year has been marked by "getting back into things." Covid-19 is still circulating, but nearly all of our normal pre-pandemic activities have resumed and we're figuring our way through the whole thing. Our whole family has been vaccinated (and boosted), and the virus variants making their way around now are less severe, so although we'd still love to avoid getting sick, the threat has diminished enough that we're getting back to regular life.

You went back to in-person school this year for second grade (with a mask), and thus finally completed your first full school year in a face-to-face elementary classroom (your kindergarten year was abbreviated when things shut down, and first grade was completed virtually). You adjusted well to the change, making friends quickly and easily. You've developed a group of buddies that you love to play sports with at recess, and extracurricularly, too. You liked your teachers (you kept the same teachers from first grade), earned the Leader in Action award for your class in the fall, and got very good grades, including a certificate for your "vivid vocabulary." You are an incredible speller and your reading has improved drastically - you're even reading Harry Potter books at night, all on your own! You are impressively fluent in math; if you're focused, you can break down numbers and solve problems in your head with ease. We're working on honing that focus, as sometimes your test grades this year didn't reflect your true abilities, but we'll get there! Overall I was really impressed with how well you adjusted to being back in the classroom, how hard you worked, how you wore your mask even in the face of peer pressure, how you rolled with the punches, and how effortlessly you made great new friends.

The BIG THING for you right now is baseball. After taking a backseat to Lego last year (presumably thanks to skipping out on team play in favor of at-home activities during the pandemic), baseball has reclaimed it's throne as Your Most Favorite Thing. We rejoined the Hendricks Avenue Baseball League last fall, where you started in the 8u machine-pitch division for the first time. We didn't have the best experience in your first season (in my humble, not-at-all-biased-because-I'm-your-mother-and-number-one-fan-forever-and-ever opinion, your skills were overlooked and undervalued), but your love of the game was back and we dove in full-force in the spring season. In the spring, you hit lead-off for the Rays, hit your first ever homerun (of many to come, I'm sure) and were nominated by your coach to try out for Advanced Baseball. You didn't make it onto the AB team this time around (don't get me and my not-at-all-biased-etc. opinion started), but I think that's ultimately for the best, because it was a huge time commitment that I'm not sure we (read: I) are ready for yet. Either way, you improved so much over the season, and even more so since it ended. Every day after school you would go outside and just throw the ball to yourself, over and over, and now that we're on summer break, you only have more time to dedicate to practice. Papa sent you a new pitch-back (you had been using an old pallet previously!), and you have mastered the path to run around the block and retrieve any balls hit or thrown over our fence. You ask Daddy to come out and throw with you nearly every day, and often ask to go to the field and actually practice. I'm not kidding, E.J. - EVERY. DAY. You're a beast and it's all you want to do. Your catching and throwing has improved by leaps and bounds, and you're going to be a star in the upcoming fall season, I'm sure of it.

But it's not just playing baseball. Baseball is LIFE. You talk about baseball constantly. You wear a full baseball uniform every day: jersey, pants, belt, even high socks. We have baseball on TV regularly. You know so many of the players and still collect baseball cards. Your favorite team is still the Los Angeles Angels, with the Cleveland Guardians (new name!) and Tampa Bay Rays being other favorites in our house. You have things set up on our Amazon Echo so you can just say, "Alexa, give me my sports update!" and she'll tell you all about your favorite teams - scores from the previous day, and upcoming schedule. Every night when the Angels play, you tell Daddy to wake you up if there's a walk-off win. You even got your hair cut to look like Max Stassi (Angels catcher). You play the MLB The Show video game regularly and give us updates on your progress in that every morning. As I write this (belated this year, I'm sorry!!!) you're at baseball camp at Jacksonville University, which you've been looking forward to all summer. You went to Daddy's Springfield baseball practices enough in June that you earned a spot as official bat boy at the throwback baseball game on the Fourth of July, and when the whole stadium sang Happy Birthday to you, you tipped your hat to them like a pro. In addition to spending your birthday in the East Side dugout, you had a double dose of baseball birthday party - an Angels party at home with family after the game on July 4th, and then a sort of Sandlot-style party with your friends at Klutho Park last weekend, where you all played baseball all morning, ate classic baseball snacks (peanuts, Cracker Jacks, popcorn, etc), and broke open a baseball piñata filled with baseball cards, bubble gum and Baby Ruth bars. And, your most favorite birthday gift this year? The Angels City Connect jersey you had been dying for but didn't think you'd be able to get - Daddy found a way to make it happen and you were SO HAPPY. Baseball is life!

Baseball might be the hands-down favorite activity this year, but you did dabble in a few others for the first time! In the spring, you played flag football with a bunch of friends from school, and you were super fast! You scored a bunch of touchdowns, thanks to your speed, and we have it all on video with me screaming like a lunatic in the background. You also tried your hand (foot?) at a casual soccer league in Springfield. It was a great way to test it out, and you had fun - we'll see if you play either of those sports again this year. Also, you've done a handful of one-mile races this year, and man, are you fast! In fact, you won your most recent race! Not just in your age group or gender - full-out WON. You beat EVERYBODY. You even beat the bicyclist who was supposed to be leading the way to show you the path! 

I fear the problem with being so good at all these things you enjoy is that when something doesn't go the way you expect, it's very frustrating. We've been trying to deal a bit with your temper when frustrated this year - if things aren't going your way (in sports or just in life), you tend to have an angry outburst and want to quit. We've been trying to help you learn how to cope with those frustrated feelings, calm yourself down, and find a more productive way to manage the situation. I'm not sure if we're doing a good job yet, but we're working on it. You're eight years old now, which means you're getting big, but sometimes those feelings are just bigger so hopefully we can help you find a way to not be quite so overwhelmed by them.

Speaking of big feelings, just as of late you've been working through some really big thoughts and emotions, and it has been keeping you up at night. You seem to be becoming aware of your own mortality and that of those you love, and you've been worried about something happening to you or us at night. You had a hard time voicing your real worries for a long time, instead blaming your sleepless nights on being scared of the dark or monsters and aliens, but Daddy finally had a breakthrough talk with you the other night and we got more to the bottom of things. I think Daddy was able to help - he said you told him he has "good words" and you have since mentioned how he helped you - which is good, because I know those are very scary thoughts and they're a lot for one boy to come to terms with. I hope you know that we're here to help you deal with things like that, and you can always talk to us when you're feeling scared or anxious. It breaks my heart that you ever have to feel that way at all. 

Now to shift to the other end of the spectrum, I'd like to give an example of how you were able to overcome big feelings (those frustrated ones I talked about earlier) this year - you recently learned how to ride a bike! It's still a work in progress as you figure out how to get going on a narrow Springfield sidewalk, but you persevered through your frustration and you're able to do it. I'm so proud of you! You're already looking forward to the Springfield Halloween Bike-A-Boo and I can't wait to have you along for it this time.

Some more about eight-year-old E.J.: You still love Harry Potter; we finished the books this past year (and watched all the movies), dressed as Harry Potter villains for Halloween, got nearly all Harry Potter Christmas gifts (you're still very proud to be a Slytherin), and went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios as our first big post-pandemic trip! You chose a stuffed niffler as your souvenir on our trip (named Hulkypoo), who was quickly elevated to the ranks of favorite "guys," but none can overtake Bunny, who is still your all-time favorite. You love chewing gum, fast food and macaroni and cheese. You love to play videogames, both on our Nintendo Switch and the iPad. Your best friends are Dexter and Emory. You lost a few teeth this year (including one in December that caused a run-in between the Tooth Fairy and our elf, Twinkle!) and grew three inches in height. You love the Los Angeles Angels and your favorite players are Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani. You like to run and practice sliding along the length of our house. You've become more confident in the pool, even in the deep end. You mostly get along well with Ellie, aside from the normal sibling squabbles, and you're still quite enamored with Ruthie (she's been your valentine two years running now!). When you're not playing or watching baseball, you're still likely to be found upstairs at the Lego table, making some great creation (including a full minifig replica of the Angels team!). 

I probably say this every year, but this year more than ever I feel as if you are straddling the line between Little Boy and Big Boy. You're becoming increasingly independent, and I love to see you growing and becoming more and more confident in who you are. I like watching you walk out of school with swagger and high five all the fifth graders, seeing you running around and having so much fun with all your friends, catching you reading a big chapter book and hearing you tell us about what you read, watching you doing more chores around the house and meeting your own needs. Sometimes I feel like you are very grown up, indeed.

But then sometimes, you'll grab a blanket and cuddle up with me on the couch and hold my hand. You still sleep with Bunny in your arms every night. Sometimes your voice still sounds like Little E.J., and sometimes I still see Baby You in your face. Sometimes you still need your Mama. And oh, boy, do I cherish that. I don't know how much longer you'll feel that way, but I love that for now, we're still linked a little bit as Mama and Baby. I hope you won't be in too much of a hurry to grow up and outgrow me, buddy...let's spend a little more time right here, what do you say?

It's funny, motherhood, isn't it? Just two sentences ago I was asking you to stay small, and my heart desperately wishes that you could. But at the same time, watching you grow up is the greatest joy of my life. I'm so proud of you and so excited about the Big Boy you are becoming. What a cool kid he is! And how lucky I am to call him my son. Having a front row seat to your growing up is my favorite thing. I guess the whole thing is just sort of bittersweet....but certainly more sweet than anything.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a mama to such an awesome boy. I love you so much, nugget. Happy birthday.

All my love,

Mama

* * * * * 

Dear E.J.,

 

Happy birthday! It’s so cool that you’re eight, but I’m secretly glad you still have so many years left to grow up! We are starting to share a lot of common interests–playing sports, watching sports, running, snacking, playing the switch, and just generally being outside–and I really enjoy spending time with you. 

 

This year, you were back at school in-person for the entire school year. It was a really tough decision, which is so true of parenting generally. Firstly, it’s so much harder to make decisions for some else, especially when you care about them immeasurably, and are fairly invested in how things end up. You obviously never know how a decision is going to turn out before you make it, nor can you find out what would have happened if you had chosen differently. You weigh the pros and cons of each option and try as best you can to weight them with the likelihood each good or bad outcome will be the one that happens. Then you pick and try not to second guess. It helps to have someone else to brainstorm with, though it does raise the stakes even more because you don’t want to let them down either. 

 

With that said, I’m very happy to report that sending you back to school was a success! You didn’t get COVID and picked right back up getting good grades and making some good friends. The one thing I’d want to say is that to the extent your grades weren’t perfect (don’t worry, I think it was maybe two quarter Bs total), it seems like a question of focus more than one of ability. For example, there were several homework assignments for which you delayed starting, even getting upset or frustrated because you though it would take “too long” or be “too hard.” Once we were able to get you to calm down and try to figure out what you needed to do, you’d knock it out quickly and correctly. The same thing actually happened with learning to ride a bike. For starters, you barely tried until you were almost 8. Sweetly, you were motivated not by peer pressure or the famous Springfield holiday rides, but by the hope you could pick it up in time for Mother’s Day and ride with Mama to a local breakfast place. The week before, while the girls were at an hours-long event, you almost quit one block into our first official practice. Once we finally got to the parking lot, you had to take breaks to talk through the plan and whether and how to keep trying every 15-20 minutes. All told, it took you about two hours total (across two days) to get it, but you sure turned the stress level way up on something I knew you’d be able to do. 

 

I hope we can work through this mental roadblock soon. Along these lines, I sometimes wonder whether we did the right thing starting you in school young, but it is just so obvious that you can handle the content and keep up with older kids athletically. The best I can figure is that you are still young, and I am not so sure your teachers have been looking for you to have so much natural ability because you are a small, active boy. It doesn’t help that each year you have had teachers teaching the grade for the first time. To be clear, my real concern is that you don’t seem to realize how smart and capable you are. It’s a question of confidence more than competence, and I hope you figure it out!

 

Several thoughts ago, I mentioned you made a great group of friends. It sounds like you all played sports, primarily baseball and football, at recess just about every day. I definitely remember doing that as a kid, but I’m not so sure I started in second grade! One of your friends invited you to join the others on an organized flag football team and you were excited to give it a try. Before the season started, you, Ellie and I would go to nearby fields and practice running plays and I tried to teach you about juking and cutting. During on eof the 1-on-1 games, you kept running long routes despite not really being able to catch yet. You got really frustrated that I wasn’t throwing you the ball, so I did. And it hit you right in the face. I know you should never negotiate with, much less give in to, terrorists (or 7-year olds). I should have known better and I’m sorry! Fortunately, you weren’t traumatized and ended up being a real asset to your Ravens team. You were the shortest kid but actually tied for the team lead with 6 touchdowns in 8 games! And compared to the number of touches you had, your conversion rate was way ahead of everyone else! It was surreal to see you make good instinctive decisions with the ball, whether to beat a defender to the outside, juke, or make a single cut before getting up the field. As your coordination develops and your hands get bigger, you might really have a lot of fun playing. 

 

In other sports news, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how much you run. Besides sports and some training with me around Springfield, on a local track, and in the Swamp (the football field was open for graduation pics the week after the Spring game when were in Gainesville), you must have done hundreds of laps around the house and thousands of sprints back and forth down our hallway. You want to race me for your birthday this year and we’ve settled on an annual 100m dash. I’m not worried about this year, but I’m really curious to see how many years it will be until you get me. You also had a couple of chances to race the mile. The first time was the Girl Scout Thin Mint Sprint at the Zoo. You went out fast and had built up a decent lead when we saw you about a quarter of a mile in. But between that point and the finish, the staff directed you off course, and the route itself was cut in half. You ended up crossing the finish line behind a lot of people and were so mad about the mix up you didn’t want to enter the Junior River Run the next month. Fortunately, we talked you into giving it another shot at the Jacksonville Great Fire Run. You went out really fast again on an out and back course and when you reappeared near the finish, you had built up a good lead, finishing even stronger than you started in around 6:50! You beat everyone else who entered! Ellie was great, too, so I am hopeful there will be many more races in our future.   

 

With all apologies for burying the lead, it would be impossible to tell the story of you at 8 years old without baseball. After taking a year off from little league due to COVID, you jumped back in with both feet and haven’t looked back! Your first season in the 8u machine pitch league wasn’t what I was hoping for with a very inexperienced coach and several kids who could have aged out but decided to play down another season. You didn’t get any meaningful instruction as a Marlin, the coach batted you 12^th (out of 12) almost every game, and didn’t give you a single rep at 1B, 2B or SS. Even so, you hit almost .650 with twice as many hits as strikeouts. So you can imagine our surprise when you stated the next season hitting lead off and playing SS for the Rays! I was so proud of you for working through your admitted nerves about hitting first after practice the night before when you missed 12 straight pitches off the machine. I think you had 4 first pitch hits and kicked off a really fun season. A season in which you had your first inside the park home run before you really knew how to run the bases! I worry I ruined the video by screaming at you to take each base because you kept stopping even though the ball went all the way to the fence. You were invited to try out for the league’s advanced baseball team, but had some trouble fielding the ball after we practiced the week before with some much older kids who hit the ball much harder than you were used to. Even though it didn’t work out, you’ve taken that experience and spent almost every day this summer throwing and catching with your new pitchback screen and asking me to play catch any chance we can. You have gotten so much better as a result of your own interest, initiative, and work, and I am so excited to be your head coach this year! There is so much more to say about you and baseball, but I am running out of self-imposed space. In short:

• You dress for a baseball game four out of every five days, complete with baseball pants, belt, long socks, a baseball shirt of some kind, and a hat;
• We watch baseball regularly, and you especially love the Angels;
• You know their entire lineup and rotation, and your favorite players are Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani;
• You recently got your hair cut to look like Max Stassi, their catcher, which is the second Angels player to inspire your hair styling;
• Your favorite birthday present was a Mike Trout Angels City Connect jersey and you used your loose birthday money to buy the City Connect hat;
• You set up an Amazon notification to get baseball scores each morning for your favorite teams;
• You are lowkey obsessed with walk-offs and bat flips;
• Of all the books at our local book store, you picked a vintage Joe DiMaggio instructional guide to spend your gift card on; and
• You are getting really good at MLB The Show 22 (You call it the Show-tani because Shohei is on the cover).

 I want to end on a more serious note. You have been thinking some big thoughts lately. I’m not sure whether it was a coincidence or a catalyst, but ever since we watched Men In Black, you have started sleeping with a light on and calling me or your Mama up to talk after we’ve put you to bed. Essentially, you don’t want to die and you don’t want us to, either. You seem comforted by the idea that it is okay for people to die because God has a plan for all of us and Heaven must be a pretty cool place. You also decided you’re probably okay because God wouldn’t have much use for you now in Heaven and that you could just ask when you get there if you need to. I’m not sure what was helpful, but you told me I have pretty good words for things like this. I hope so, and I hope you know I am always here to listen and help you think through anything you’re working through, no matter how big or small or how old you are. 

 

I apologize for writing you the longest letter in the history of letters and totally understand if you never make it through the whole thing. In case you just skipped to the end, we are having a lot of fun together, you’re getting really good at stuff, and don’t realize how good you are at other stuff. Parenting is hard, and also the best. I love you so much, little buddy. Happy birthday! 

 

All my love!

Daddy

Dear E.J. - Seven Years

 

My dear E.J.,

Happy birthday to you, cute stuff! Seven years old! Wow! Does that sound old to you? It sure does to me. And what a year this has been for you, and for us! Lots of things going on in the world, lots of significant changes for our family, lots of growing up for you.

On your last birthday, we were four months into self-quarantine during the coronavirus pandemic. A year later, the virus still dominates the headlines and shapes our behavior much more than I had hoped it would by this point. Oh, don't get me wrong, we've relaxed a bit - we go to public playgrounds now, we've gotten back to visiting with family, and we've taken you into some stores and other places, and to some outdoor events like Jumbo Shrimp games (yay!). But it has been a long year, kiddo. After I wrote your last letter, cases of covid-19 spiked drastically nationwide, and especially in Florida. In the fall, schools offered families a choice of in-person school (with face masks, socially distant desk spacing, lunch in classrooms, plastic desk shields, no field trips or other big school activities) or virtual learning with a teacher from your school. We opted for the latter, and you completed first grade entirely online. We still have not taken a vacation (aside from going to Papa's house a couple of times); we celebrated Christmas with extended family (and visited Santa!) virtually via Zoom; we trick-or-treated minimally for Halloween (focusing instead on a fun Harry Potter-themed house setup to hand out candy to others); we still have not been to a movie theater or church or back to tee-ball or other extracurricular activities. And, no big birthday party for you again this year - instead, we went to the waterpark at Adventure Landing as a family and had Star Wars Clone Trooper cupcakes with Grammy and Heather on the 4th of July. You still said it was the best birthday ever, so thank you for that!

January brought another significant spike in covid cases in the U.S., then things tapered off during the spring as vaccines became available - first to people over age 65, then gradually younger until Daddy and I finally got ours in May. Numbers began to drop and things started opening up even more, and mask mandates fell by the wayside - and now cases are on the rise again among the unvaccinated, which, unfortunately, you and Ellie still are for the time being. We are waiting with bated breath for a vaccine for kids under age 12, and it has been promised by mid-winter. Unfortunately, that means for now, we keep our guard up to keep you kids as protected as we can. You'll be going back to school in the fall, and it makes me terribly nervous, but we're moving forward, for better or for worse. 

You have been such an incredible trooper through the past year and a half. There have been disappointments, for sure, but you have been very willing to roll with the punches as we go and make the most of things. I mentioned Halloween - that particularly surprised me, that you were not nearly as devastated as I thought you'd be when I broke the news that we wouldn't be trick-or-treating this year. Instead, you threw yourself into our costume theme and house-decorating idea and had a great holiday. If you were ever upset about our altered plans for any event, I don't believe you ever let it show. I do think we've had a lot of fun this year, even if it hasn't always been our normal type of fun!

You did an awesome job with virtual school this year. It was such a joy for me to be able to be just in the next room for every single one of your school days, so I was able to hear you interacting with your peers and talking to your teachers and participating in class. Your reading ability has grown by leaps and bounds (you've even started reading some chapter books now!) and your math fluency is truly impressive. You were very outspoken in class, always eager to share news with your teachers and classmates. You managed to make friends even in that environment, and often posted encouraging messages to your classmates on the class message boards. You were also just so cooperative with online learning in general - so many kids struggled with it, but you took to it with no trouble. Whenever my alarms would go off to signal that it was time for you to return to the iPad for another live lesson, you'd just yell out "OKAY!", drop what you were doing and run right back to your desk. I was so appreciative of how easy you made all that for me!

The silver lining of virtual school was definitely that you had more time to play and build Lego in between classes and assignments! Lego has continued to be EVERYTHING to you, and you build constantly. Our once-meager collection of bricks has ballooned, and now we have sets upon sets, and drawers-full of other loose bricks. Our playroom is now centered around Lego, with a big building table right in the center and a shelf to the side to display your creations and store all the bricks. You loved your Lego scavenger hunt from your last birthday so much that you requested another one this year (and we obliged with a mini figure hunt). You still love the show Lego Masters, you love looking at/reading Lego books and looking up Lego sets online, and we're still looking forward to a trip to Legoland one day! I love to see your creations - you really are so creative and have such a great imagination. I'm always so impressed by the builds you come up with!

Baseball took a little bit of a back seat for you this year, but that's understandable because you haven't played on a team since March of last year. But, now that we've started going to Jumbo Shrimp games again, and since Daddy played in a Throwback Baseball Game on the 4th of July (in our new neighborhood - more on that to come!), and you watched a little bit of the All-Star game, baseball is making a comeback for you. You've dressed yourself in baseball attire (baseball pants, jersey/tshirt, high socks and cap) every day this week, and the other night you were even sleeping in your baseball pajamas with your high socks on and glove under your pillow. I love seeing you get back into it! And, even with slightly waning interest, you were able to achieve your goal of hitting a ball over the fence at the tee-ball field (while playing there with Daddy), and by the time we moved out of our old house, you could easily hit a whiffle ball clear across the street. We are planning to sign you up for Little League this fall - and it won't be tee-ball anymore! You'll be in the machine-pitch division and you have to be evaluated before the season and everything. They'll even start enforcing outs and keeping score. I hope you love it!

You have a pretty good little competitive nature, although you never admit it. You like to win and you get really upset when that doesn't happen. You've been really into playing the Nintendo Switch (video games) since we got the system for Christmas, and if Ellie is beating you at a game or if you can't figure it out, you get so upset. Sometimes we have to turn it off until you can calm down a little bit. So, I'll be interested to see how that translates to the ball field in the fall. You also have focused a lot lately on your size - that you're smaller than most of the other kids your age. We talk about it as a good thing, because they'll be likely to underestimate you because you're not as big as they are, but you sure can play!

You lost your first tooth this year! Well, you've lost two so far. You were so anxiously waiting to lose your first one - so many of your friends had already lost a bunch. But, it finally happened this spring, and then you lost another one just before your birthday! And you have two more loose ones in there, too. As happy as I am to see you excited about this part of growing up, it's a little sad for me to watch your baby smile changing so much so quickly. But, that's the way it goes, and I know I will love your toothy grown-up grin just as much as that baby smile.

You have been growing and changing this year, of course, but our family has also seen some pretty big changes, too! The biggest one is our new house. After renting houses for your entire life thus far, we purchased our first home in May and moved from San Marco to Springfield. The house is just wonderful - it has so much space for us, and you love so much about it. It is very long, with a straight path from front to back, and you love to sprint from one end to the other over and over again (I believe you're playing a game you made up in your head, but I'm fuzzy on the rules and I think they're not really strictly enforced anyway - it's really all about the running!). You also love that you can run a complete circle around the house, as our front and back yards are connected on both sides of the house. It's all fenced in and you love to run the whole way around. You and Ellie have your own rooms, which is nice, but the really cool part is that both of your rooms open up onto what was once a sun porch, that is now closed in and is currently serving as your playroom! Your bedrooms and the playroom are all connected in a U-shape and it's just the coolest thing. It's lovely and bright (with eight windows in the playroom alone!) and just wonderful for you guys. As you get older we can see that playroom turning into a study room or a hangout room to spend time in with your friends...I think it will really serve us well for a long time!

You were such a good sport during the moving process, which is always just so terrible. You were a great help at sorting through all your toys and books and finding things to sell or donate, and you and Ellie earned a bunch of money from your sold toys at our yard sale. You also had a lemonade stand to earn money for walkie talkies, which you use to talk to each other from your respective rooms after we put you to bed. There have certainly been some adjustments with the move - you've had some trouble adjusting to being in your own room, and we've been doing lots of switching nightlights around and leaving hall lights on to help with scary shadows, reassuring you about various noises, and sometimes you just have sleepovers with Ellie and avoid being alone altogether. I suppose all this was to be expected; it's always hard to adjust to a totally new place, especially since the last one was really the only home you ever truly knew. But we're making progress and we do love the house! We're so excited for all the new fun our new neighborhood promises us, and I think we'll make a lot of really great memories here.

Another big change for us was the adoption of our dog, Ruthie! We got her when she was just a little puppy and now she's a year old. You and she are best buds, and you're her favorite "toy!" When you run around the perimeter of the house (or back and forth inside), she loves to chase you. Whenever you're doing anything remotely active (which is, you know, almost always), she loves to jump in and play with you. She'll tackle you to the ground, bite at your feet, chase you around. You guys love to wrestle and have so much fun together! I'm so glad you're such good buds.

Some more about E.J. at seven years old: you still love Halloween, spooky things and bad guys; we've been reading the Harry Potter books (we're almost done with book five right now!), and Voldemort is your favorite, of course. Your favorite things to eat for lunch are Nutella sandwiches or macaroni and cheese, and you love Pop Tarts for breakfast. You live for snacks and are always downstairs RIGHT at 3:30 p.m. (designated snack time) to help yourself to something. You also love eating at restaurants and playing at the playground (you especially love climbing and jumping off things). At our old house, you liked to climb up on the backyard fence and inch your way around the perimeter of it, and at our new house, you love to climb around the outside of the porch railing. You are starting to take on more responsibility around the house (not necessarily happily, but you're doing it!), and you have been doing daily chores all summer which include things like cleaning bathrooms, putting away some of your laundry, changing your bedsheets and cleaning up Ruthie's...uh, messes in the backyard. You love Star Wars, and this year have particularly enjoyed The Clone Wars and Rebels series. You like reading and writing and particularly enjoyed writing a report on bats (the animal) in school this year. You got your very own library card this year; you enjoy reading the Magic Treehouse books, but your favorite book is currently Clone Troopers in Action. You like the color blue, and you love Beanie Babies (sometimes you carry them around in a fanny pack with just their heads peeking out!). You're currently very into In The Heights and listen to the soundtrack daily (your favorite songs are probably "96,000" and "Benny on the Dispatch"). You keep changing what you say you want to be when you grow up: sometimes you say a Lego set maker, sometimes a baseball player, sometimes an engineer, sometimes a costumed Star Wars character at Hollywood Studios. You love to be silly and are all about putting on a show these days. You love video games, especially our Harry Potter Lego game and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games. You sometimes get grumpy when you don't get your way (who doesn't) but overall, you certainly laugh far more than you sulk. You love to have visitors and cry when they leave. You like to climb trees and play with Nerf guns with your friend Krishna, and you ran your first 5k this year. You love to swim and play in the waves at the beach. You are kind-hearted and thoughtful, outgoing and friendly, bright and creative.

And, you're growing up. I know, I know. I say it every year. But every day you look a little taller, a little leaner, a little more like a Big Kid and less like a Little Boy. I am still so thankful for those fleeting moments of Little You that still show up from time to time - when you climb into my lap out of the blue, or wrap your arms around mine and lay your head on my shoulder, or grab my hand when we're walking. Each of those is becoming increasingly rare and one day, you will do each for the last time and I won't even know it in the moment. Perhaps you already have done one for the last time and I don't even realize it. It breaks my heart to know that, as I have loved being the mother of Little E.J. for all these years. But Big E.J. is going to be a really great boy, and then a really incredible man, and I'm so excited to get to know him as we go. And E.J., no matter how big you get, I'm always here with a mama hug if you're scared, or a hand to hold, or a shoulder to lean on. You can get as big as you want, but that will never change.

I love you so much, nugget. Thanks for another really great year of being your mama. It is such a privilege and you are so dear to me.

Happy birthday, buddy.

All my love,

Mama

* * * * *

My Dear E.J.,

Happy birthday, little buddy! Birthdays are such a big deal at your age and I am so excited for you to turn seven! I think your Mama has done such a great job planning parties and making you feel special that the anticipation just builds and builds throughout the year. It seems like you are always planning for either Halloween or your birthday party.  

The truth is, while you hit some amazing milestones (keep reading!), this was a crazy year. Most prominently, we kept you guys at home all school year due to the pandemic. It was far from ideal, but we felt like it was the best decision. Your teachers were organized, and your Mama built out a school room in our dining room and was really on top of helping you troubleshoot technology issues and check things off your assignment list. It also felt like you were making consistent progress–you can read now, which is pretty awesome! One of my favorite things is to see you sitting on the couch working your way unprompted through a book. You’re currently digging the Magic Treehouse series, and most recently finished the one about Jackie Robinson. You can also read the dialogue for the Harry Potter characters you voice, including Neville Longbottom and Dudley Dursley. We are on book five of seven and I know you will have other ones before we finish the series together!

One cool thing about working from home while you were schooling at home is that I got a chance to pop in and see you thinking your way through assignments – you (and your teachers apparently) especially liked math mysteries where you had to solve math problems to decode letters that formed clues that helped you solve the mystery. It was particularly cool to hear you think your way through addition and subtraction problems. You completely mastered facts up to 10 and, without prompting, break down larger problems into ones where you already know the answers. I will say that I am a little nervous about you realizing your math potential because Ellie loved math first. I don’t know if you sometimes pretend you don’t like it to make her mad or if you think you can’t both be good at it, but you have a great number sense and I hope you don’t ever let other people define what you love and how great you can be.  

This year, you continued to be ultra-passionate about things. Being super into one thing has been pretty consistent your whole known life. From Spider-Man and superheroes to Star Wars bad guys, then baseball and back to Star Wars, you have added Lego, and two Lin-Manuel Miranda musicals to the list. Your birthday party last year was a scavenger hunt for ten Lego sets. You built them all in under a week and you have not stopped since. You love mini-figures–building them, thinking about different arrangements, and imagining other ones that could exist. You have given me many creations this year to keep in my office, but I usually give them back after a little while so you can have the bricks to build with, but I have kept the minifigs you made of me and you in my office for months. You have a great eye for detail and it is so fun to hear you talk through the things you build. Even when they look similar to other things you’ve built, you always add something interesting!

Another thing we started doing as a family during the pandemic is watching non-kid TV shows. The first full season we watched all the way through was LEGO Masters–a Lego building competition show where teams of two complete a themed challenge in a set number of hours. This is a time where I wish I was a great writer, because I bet such a person could paint the picture I have in my mind of what it is like to watch you watch the show. You are so intent on what’s happening and are so transparent with your emotions–awe, nerves, surprise, disappointment. It’s like you have such empathy for what they are experiencing on the show. You had a favorite team from the first season and cried when they got sent home. The second season just started and I hope your new favorite team fares a little better. Either way, it’s a lot of fun to watch with you.

One last thing I want to talk about is our extracurriculars. Having to miss in person school this year we tried really hard to give you some structure. Mama and Ellie played some piano; you, me and Ellie went to the driving range a few times and you guys even rode with me for 9 holes one time; but the most consistent one was the weekly trips you and I took to the tee ball fields. We got matching Angels shirts and hats and everything! You particularly loved when we stopped for a Gatorade, candy or ice cream snack and I loved the chance it gave us to talk one on one in between drills. You are such a great learner and practice so hard every time we are out on the field and other times when you are working on something yourself. I worry sometimes that I am not the best teacher for you because I hear myself getting frustrated when you take more than two tries to get something right, but you give me more grace than I deserve and seem to have fun anyway. Maybe it’s the snacks? I don’t know, but I hope I can strike the right balance between making sure it stays fun for you and helping you improve so that it makes it easier for it to be fun. My favorite football coach used to say that he wanted the game to be fun, but that he couldn’t think of anything more fun than winning. The other thing I need to mention this year is how competitive you are! I’m not saying that anyone should like losing, but you get so upset and angry as soon as it looks like you are not going to win something. Even after you may have just won a few times in a row, you really struggle to tolerate losing. I think this can be productive if it fuels you to work harder, but it seems like it is something that has to be taught and I am hoping I can help you channel that energy. 

My favorite memory from our one-on-one team practices has to be the time you hit your first ball over the fence! The Little League where we play has three different baseball diamonds: one for T-ball; a medium field where you’re going to start playing this fall; and a full regulation Little League field with a mound for kid to pitch from. We always end our practices with me pitching you a mix of tennis balls and soft baseballs. Well, one of the days your swing was on point and you blasted a tennis ball to straight away centerfield. Your sister (who sometimes came to do art and watch) and I went crazy. You seemed more surprised than anything, but has a huge smile on your face. No bat flip or finger pointing home run trot like you sometimes do at our house when you hammer a whiffle ball across the street. After a pretty long pause, you rounded the bases, gave us a short interview about how you couldn’t believe it and then we walked around the field to take a picture with the ball. You have said you want to hit a home run on every field you play on and it’s pretty cool that you are one for one so far.

E.J., for a year that feels like we didn’t do anything because a global pandemic kept us home for so much of it, you were productive and eventful! You learned to swim underwater, started losing teeth and playing video games–you and Ellie beat Star Wars Lego game for the Wii and earned 100% completion in Harry Potter years 1-4 for our new Nintendo Switch. You ran a 5k in under 35 minutes with planned stops for you and Ellie because it was your first time. We got a dog whom you adore and who loves to play with you, and we bought a house that is perfect for running laps around and sprinting inside. You made a difficult year so much better and I hope you can feel in the letter how much fun you are to have as a son. I love you so much, am so proud of how hard you worked to accomplish so much this year, and hope, hope, hope I can help you channel your passion and energy into something amazing. 

I love you!

Daddy 

Dear E.J. - Six Years

My dear E.J.,

Happy birthday, buddy! You are six years old now! Six seems so grown up, don't you think? I think you agree, considering that two nights before your birthday, as I said goodnight to you I told you, "Wow! Tomorrow is your last day of being five! How exciting!" and you burst into tears. You told me you like being five and you like kindergarten and don't want to be six. And I'll tell you what, bud - I get that. Five was great fun and frankly, you kind of got cheated out of a lot of it. I can understand your feeling that we haven't quite finished this chapter, so it can't possibly be time to move on already.

You see, we are in the midst of a global pandemic. A novel coronavirus has been spreading throughout the world since late 2019, and through the U.S. in earnest since March. As of March 16, we put ourselves in "safer at home" self-quarantine and have barely left the house since then. The goal was to "flatten the curve," to slow the spread of the virus enough that our hospitals and healthcare systems would not be overloaded. The remainder of the school year was canceled, and you finished kindergarten via virtual learning. Churches, stores, museums, everything closed - even Disney World! The restaurants that did stay open were only open for takeout and delivery, and shelves were picked clean at grocery stores. Things got really bad in major cities right away - New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami. Things stayed pretty under control in our neck of the woods, however, so in May things started to open back up. First the beaches, then restaurants with limited capacity, then more and more businesses and activities. However, now we're seeing a surge in virus cases in our state and so the threat feels very imminent once again. Yet now the people are tired of restrictions, resistant to wearing masks, and some even question if the virus is actually real, or as serious as it is made out to be. So, I'm a bit apprehensive of what may still be to come for us.

Our family does take the whole thing very seriously, however, and it has dominated our lives for the past four months. Aside from grocery or other food pickup, daily evening walks, and bi-weekly trips to the beach (where we stay FAR away from any other people), we don't leave the house. We did attempt to go to the zoo once, but the unmasked crowds forced us to leave shortly after we got there because we didn't feel it was safe enough. Of course, just last week our mayor issued a mask mandate for our county, which may or may not help things. But as for us, when we do go out where we may in any way interact with others, we wear masks. I even made you and Bunny matching ones to try to bring some lightheartedness to what can be a pretty stressful environment.

All this to say, you really were cheated out of your last few months of being five, and certainly the last couple of months of kindergarten.You didn't get to go on your zoo field trip with your class (and for many weeks after schools closed you would remind me to keep an eye on my email in case your teacher emailed and told you to wear your class shirt, because that would mean you were going to the zoo after all). You didn't get to celebrate your birthday at school. Almost your entire t-ball season was canceled. We missed out on several Disney trips. You had a virtual kindergarten graduation instead of an in-person performance (and you cried when it was over, because you didn't REALLY get to say goodbye to your friends and teacher). We "attended" church on Easter Sunday via YouTube. Instead of spending the month of June at Papa's house with Aunt Heather, Aunt Molly and your cousins as we planned, we spent our days walking the neighborhood and tie-dying shirts at our own house. We had planned to celebrate your birthday with a weekend stay at Legoland, but instead we stayed home and made the most of things. 

All this breaks my heart, because I know that you and Ellie only get one childhood. It kills me to see you "missing it." We're doing our best to keep things fun and interesting even in these circumstances, but clearly this is not what I would have wanted for your childhood. And I don't know how long it will last, or how long I can keep putting a positive spin on things for you. I haven't yet told you that you will likely still be attending school via at-home computer screen in the fall, or that Halloween trick-or-treating may very well be canceled. It's easy for me to lose myself in the sadness of what is lost, but we are trying to take it one day at a time and do what we can to build happy memories, so that your recollection of this time is much more rosy than mine will be.

But I'll tell you what, buddy, you and Ellie have been real troopers. Sure, there have been moments when you've really felt the weight of what's going on and how it is affecting your life. There have definitely been tears and breakdowns, for all of us. But you really have rolled with the punches and done very well - you were a good sport for online school, you play well with Ellie (most of the time), and you've mastered your scooter which helps make our walks more tolerable to you. You seem pretty content to be at home a lot of the time, especially because you have tons more time to build LEGO now than you did a few months ago!

LEGO is everything to you right now. You spend almost all of your free time building things and you are very creative, always making creations with elaborate stories, even with the sort of limited brick selection we have. We also watched a show call Lego Masters at the start of quarantine, in which a series of LEGO builder pairs competed for the title of Master Builder. You had a favorite team and you cried when they were eliminated, but you loved the show and you love to make your own "Building With E.J." how-to videos for me to send to your cousins. For your birthday "party" this year, we had a whole LEGO day at home (yes, I'm writing this letter a couple days AFTER your birthday! For shame!). We had LEGO decorations, a LEGO cake with minifigs holding your candles, and the main event was a big scavenger hunt that led you to eight different LEGO sets hidden around the house. We spent the day building, building, building and you loved it!

You still like baseball, though that has sort of taken a backseat given that everything baseball-related has been canceled. Your spring t-ball season was canceled after only three games, the Jumbo Shrimp season has been canceled, and Major League Baseball is attempting to resume their season later this month but there is much skepticism about how realistic that really is. But, you do still like to go out in the front yard and hit some home runs - a major highlight of your birthday this year was doing so under the neighborhood fireworks, as they do in The Sandlot! You really are getting good, even with pretty minimal practice! You're getting so much better at catching and throwing, and assuming we can resume t-ball next year, your dreams of hitting a home run over the fence will likely be realized. A major highlight from the fall season this year was you calling your shot, Babe Ruth style, and then hitting it right where you called it. You are something else and people always loved to watch you when you were up to bat. Some opposing team coaches jokingly accused us of corking our bats after your turn at bat this season! I sure do hope you can get back to where you left off soon.

You did very well in kindergarten this year! Our decision to move you forward rather than giving you another year in preschool was a good one. You loved your class and your teacher and made some great little friends. Your reading has progressed quite well, and your teacher says you really enjoy math, too. I was lucky enough to be able to chaperone a couple of your field trips and class parties in the fall, and I loved seeing you thriving in your school environment!

You still love all things Halloween and spooky, and you've been talking about what we will be for Halloween this year since September (yes, before last year's Halloween had even passed!). You love rollercoasters and Star Wars and macaroni and cheese. Your favorite color is still blue, and your favorite TV shows include The Clone Wars, Lego Masters, and Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum. Your favorite movies are The Last Jedi and the The Sandlot. Your favorite ride at Disney World is the Haunted Mansion, though the two new Star Wars rides at Hollywood Studios might give it a run for its money these days. Your favorite restaurant is Chick-Fil-A. You sleep on the bottom bunk, and you like to hang blankets around the perimeter to form a "cave," and you hang toys and stuffed animals from the slats above you so they look like bats. You say "musician" when you mean to say "magician" (and nobody is in a hurry to correct you). You love to FaceTime with family, though you are also notorious for being the one to say "so should we end the call?" as soon as there's a lull in conversation. Your best friends this year were Emory, Angelo, Eli and Micah. Your favorite music varies, often depending on the hot movie du juor - recently you've been on a Hamilton soundtrack kick ("Guns and Ships" is your favorite), but you also like soundtracks to Aladdin, Lego Ninjago, and Lego Movie 2. You have learned how to ride your Spiderman scooter and you love to coast down hills. You still laugh yourself into hiccups and love to be tickled. You are very expressive when you speak and you make the funniest emotive faces. You've got charisma!

You are also very sweet. Sure, you have your ornery and contrarian moments, but don't we all? But you have such a sweet side. When you see two butterflies flying together you say, "Look, Mama! That's you and me!" and when I have the hiccups, you run and get me a cup of water with a straw so I can try the trick for getting rid of them that you saw on TV. You are thoughtful and kind - for example, for Ellie's birthday, you made her a Lego "doll," worked very hard on a homemade Frozen birthday card for her, chose a perfect Frozen-themed Lego set to buy for her (and you already had it in mind, it wasn't something I suggested), and chose to dress in your Olaf t-shirt in her honor. You also suggested that we drive you around the block so you could be a part of her birthday car parade! I also often find little LEGO creations that you make for me waiting on my desk (flowers, a panda, us in minifig form), and even little "I love you notes." They are all so special to me!

I will say, in looking back at last year's letter, you seem to have done some solid growing up this year. You no longer take naps, you're able to do an assortment of things for yourself (get your own breakfast, turn on your PBS Kids show in the morning, get your own cup of water, etc.), and you're finally tall enough for some of the bigger rollercoasters at Disney (though that will have to wait!). You speak well and have a great memory. You play well independently (as I mentioned, you could build LEGO on your own for hours), as well as playing great elaborate pretend play games with Ellie. You still like costumes, though they're not a daily staple like they once were. You don't need me to sing to you at night anymore, though you do still ask for a round of Twinkle, Twinkle if you've had a bad dream.

Last year I was lamenting the transition from young-childhood to school-age for you, and that continues to play out. I'm still holding tight to any threads of baby you that are still hanging on - you still often ask for snuggles (and I can still fit you in my lap!), you often come out of your room at night to ask for another hug, you still reach for my hand when we're out walking. When your LEGO creation breaks, you cry and seek my help in repairing it. I see you growing and changing so fast, and those moments where you still need me just to be there are very dear to me.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, you'll ask insightful questions that speak to what may be going on in your head, even if you're not particularly forthcoming about it usually (for example, you recently asked me if I ever get scared, which I believe reflected what you might be feeling about the pandemic). You have this sort of quiet, subtle way to let me know that you're working through something and I love that you trust me enough to ask those questions.

E.J., I hope you know how much you are loved. And not only by our little family, but by so many people in your life. For your birthday this year, since you couldn't have a party, I posted on Facebook asking for people to send me videos of themselves wishing you a happy birthday. I thought I'd get a handful from family and hopefully a couple of friends, but buddy, I got 45 videos. Forty-five! One woman from our church even spent three evenings wandering the neighborhood, asking strangers to sing to you. We got videos from friends, family, your teacher, your pastors and other church leaders, just so many people who wanted to brighten your day. You leave an impression on people, buddy. You make people smile and they want to return the favor. 

I think you did enjoy your birthday this year, even if it didn't look like we would have wanted it to. One thing this pandemic has really made clear to me is that our family is everything we need. I know everyone says that; I always have. But we are also a family of "do-ers." We go places and do things and dress in costume and throw crazy birthday parties and travel to fun places. Now that we are stuck at home, our family identity is sort of being tested. We can't do all the things we usually do. That could really be a tough adjustment for us - and sure, to an extent, it has been. We miss doing a lot of our usual activities, of course. But we are also having so much fun together. I feel like this quarantine has been one example after another of me thinking "oh no, we're going to be in quarantine for xyz occasion, I can't even imagine it, how disappointing" and then somehow, we find a way to make that occasion just as special and memorable (if not more so) than any other has ever been. Even being stuck at home, we're enjoying ourselves and our time together just as much as ever before. We've got a really special thing here, buddy.

E.J., I don't know what the next year will look like for you. I mean, I never do, really, but this year feels much more uncertain than probably any year of your life thus far. I don't know what is to come for our city, our country, our world. I don't know what your schooling will look like, or when you will return to t-ball, or how we'll celebrate Christmas this year. I don't know when you'll next play on a public playground or hug a friend. I don't know what toll any of this will take on you, both in the immediate weeks and months, and long term. All I can do is try my best to help you form great memories from this time, to feel loved and supported, to feel as safe as possible, and to keep you moving forward and growing and developing as best as I can in the situation at hand. It's a tall task, to be sure, but you are so, so worth it. 

And the one thing I know is that we are lucky to have each other. We're lucky to have you, buddy - you to snuggle in close, to show us your latest builds with such enthusiasm, to give one last hug to at night, to make us laugh, to remind us to put the world aside and have some fun for a while. Thank you for what you bring to our family. Thank you for being you. 

I love you so much, nugget. I'm always here for whatever you need. Always.

All my love,

Mama

* * * * *

Dear E.J.,

Happy birthday! Congrats on wrapping up another great year! A few nights before your birthday, you cried because you liked being five so much. That’s understandable because you spend so much of your days doing things you love. It probably also helps that there are so many things you like doing and that you are pretty good at most of them. I feel pretty confident this will continue to be true for at least the next few years and hope it’s still pretty true when you get around to reading this. When writing a letter like this, there’s always so much that could be said. I mean, we wrote you letters each of your first twelve months and you couldn’t even really do anything! What I want to try to do instead this year is to tell you a couple of stories that stand out now and that I think you might like to know about someday.

The Great EJ-Bino

Last time we checked in, you had started down a path to being super into baseball. I am very happy to report that, although you’ve branched out a bit into LEGO, some kicking and dribbling, as well as a renewed Star Wars obsession, baseball is still way up there. After your 5th birthday, we kept practicing all the time, and read a bunch of baseball books, actually we read all the baseball books our library had in its kids section, including stories about Joe DiMaggio and his bat, Jackie Robinson, and Babe Ruth. The Sandlot became your favorite movie and we got to visit the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown and watch a bunch of games in person on our road trip (Phillies, Mets, Indians and Reds). The Mets game was particularly memorable because it was just you and me and we had such a great time! You looked like you felt so cool riding the subway out to Queens and walking around the big stadium. We got a Mr. Met on the Moon bobblehead, Mr. Met signed your baseball card and you even hit a ball over the fence at “Kiddie” field in the kids area. You still talk about details from that game any time we hear anything about the Mets or the Pirates. 

But the fun really kicked up a notch in the fall. I feel pretty confident saying that you were, pound-for-pound, the best hitter in the tee ball league. All season, I could hear parents from both teams telling their friends they had to watch you bat and, even though you are still one of the smallest players on our team, there were multiple opposing coaches who joked about having you tested for PEDs after the game. You even made a kid cry with a line drive to third base. It’s okay, he’s fine. Besides hitting the ball hard, it was also fun to watch because you took it so seriously. You have a really elaborate pre-swing routine like your favorite major leaguers. You hold up a hand, as if to call for time, while you dig your cleats into the box, and then loop your bat a couple of times to get loose. All the while the ball is just sitting there because you are five and its tee ball. I just love it. But there was one at bat that will forever be a part of EJ lore, and it’s a major reason baseball is our first story. Early in the season you walked up to the plate for your second at bat of the game. You looked so purposeful as you walked to the plate, and you moved with a good bit of swagger. Before settling in you lifted your left hand and pointed one finger at center field. Yes, I’m serious. Inspired by your favorite Hall of Famer and your number three jersey, you called your shot at five years old in a tee ball game where nobody had any idea what was happening. And to seal the deal, you ripped one over second base and it was amazing.

Before I move on, I also want to point out that it has been interesting as a parent, coach and former teacher to see that your prowess is primarily the result of hard work. I hope you have decent baseball genes (I mean, who wouldn’t want to take credit), but your growth from year one to two is so clearly the result of the countless hours you spent practicing. I think it helps that it doesn’t feel like work, but that you really enjoy playing and want to do it all the time. Either way, it’s been a great, and clear, example of the value of practice. I hope you always work hard and believe you can do anything you decide you want to do. 

You can’t control the cards you’re dealt, just how you play the hand

Not to take anything away from an eventful year 6 and all of the fun ways you’re growing up, but the biggest story in 2020 is the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic and the 100+ days we’ve spent in quarantine. Unfortunately, this story is still being written and I think we’re too deep in it for me to step back and have any significant reflections to share right now. I can say that I hope you and Ellie are at just the right age to be able to keep learning and to play and entertain each other, without missing out on things that have a high probability of being significant. Neither of you are changing school levels, or missing out on a prom, science fair or a key field trip. You don’t yet hang out with friends outside of school, and you are too young to be playing sports competitively or meaningfully participating in other extracurricular activities. Nonetheless, it stinks that you didn’t get to finish kindergarten, that you had 70% of our tee ball season cancelled, and that we won’t get to take a trip this summer. Most of all, it stinks that I don’t know when this list is going to stop getting longer.

I hesitate to call anything a silver lining, but my second story is the result of something that started because of this situation. You, me and Ellie are now regular card players, mostly poker and blackjack, and I’ve been performing a couple of magic tricks every week for the past two months. I have no idea how long the magic hobby will last, but I spent a lot of time playing cards when I was younger and I think it’s great for building number fluency and strategic thinking, in addition just plain being fun. I’ve always liked magic-Mama and I even met David Blaine in Times Square-but it wasn’t until we had so much extra time to fill that I got the push I needed to give it a try. It also helped that Mama started having hours-long calls some evenings with her sister and family because it really takes practice!

Some of my first tricks involved having a Lego minifigure bend a quarter and changing all of the M&Ms in a bag to chosen color, though most of the subsequent tricks have focused on card magic. I am working my way through Hugard’s The Royal Road to Card Magic and magicians like Chris Ramsey and Alex Pandrea on YouTube have been super helpful. I can’t believe so much information was just sitting out there this whole time. It’s easier than it has ever been to learn what you want, and I can’t help but wonder how you and your peers will be able to discern the best and most valuable information from the glut that is only going to get bigger. In any event, your faces and reactions to the magic have been so awesome and are what drive me to keep learning. It’s also the first thing you and Ellie suggest when I ask what you want to do each weekend. But, the most fun part for me has been watching you guys try to replicate the tricks. For example, you had M&Ms for dessert every day after the first show, though you weren’t quite able to make any magic happen. Cards have been a different story and that’s what I really wanted to share with you. 

I think there are two ways to interpret a “magic trick,” which depend largely on which word does most of the work. Either it’s magic, such that some people have it and others don’t, or it’s a trick and things are not what they seem. Most kids, including your sister, are awed by magic, only to get frustrated when they do what they thought they saw and have it not work. It took you maybe two weeks to figure out it couldn’t be that simple and that you needed to take matters into your own hands. We were outside playing when you brought out a deck and had Ellie pick a card. You turned around and fumbled with the cards, before turning back and dealing a couple off the top that you knew weren’t hers. You then secretly dealt her card from the bottom of the deck and she loved it. I may not have reacted as loudly as she did, but I loved it, too. It’s obviously not the cleanest trick in the world, but you basically invented your own sleight of hand! Since then, you’ve also started setting up the deck to be able to guess a spectator’s card, and dealt yourself four aces on more than one occasion when you were playing poker with Ellie. I hope you get good enough that you don’t need to cheat, or, at least, that you learn to disguise it better. Mostly, I’m really interested to see what this cleverness means. It’s too soon to speculate, but I thought it was cool and worth noting.

Various and Sundry

I know I said I’d try to work with only a few stories, but I wanted to let you know there were lots of other things we could have covered here, such as: 

• Your Mother’s Day stormtrooper dance or the other performances you’ve done this year, acting out shows, playing on the piano, or with the recorder. 

• Lego. You build constantly, are really creative and detail-oriented, and keep getting better all the time. We also watched the Lego Masters TV show as a family and you cried when your favorite team was sent home early. 

• Your impressive memory for names. Whenever we see a kid from your school, you almost always know who they are and which class they’re in. From what I see, it’s pretty rare, but I think it fits well with the charisma narrative I started to build in an earlier letter. 

• You’re still pretty small for your age, which I think could actually help you develop better in sports without being able to rely on size or strength advantages, like most of the kids who will stand out in youth leagues. But, this year, it also meant you could go as Abu to my Aladdin for Halloween. It was super fun to walk around with you sitting on my shoulder. 

E.J., I just love that you’re my little buddy and I think you like it almost as much as I do. I hope it never changes even when you’re not so little. You’re so special and I love you so much.

All my love,

Daddy 

Dear E.J. - Five Years

My dear E.J.,

FIVE. YEARS. OLD. Goodness, kiddo. GOODNESS. My baby is five years old, and Mama has been a blubbering mess about it for the past couple of months now. It just seems cruel to have your preschool graduation, kindergarten enrollment (and school tour) and fifth birthday all within the span of two months. Who schedules these things? THINK OF THE MAMAS, people. The poor, bubbling-over-with-emotion mamas! It just ain't right.

Yet despite my teary eyes and that lump that has taken up residence in my throat, here we are. With your fifth birthday and rising kindergartener status you officially transition from toddler/preschool-hood to an actual KID-kid. The fact that you're just the coolest kid does soften the blow a little bit, but I've spent probably the last six months or so clinging to any remaining traces of your babyhood - your soft cheeks, your small hands in mine, the way you can still just fit in my lap and melt your body into mine for a "snuggle," your big brown eyes, your mispronunciations. It's all so good and so precious and it's all on its way out, and that's just a lot for me to take in. Oof. Let's come back to the sappy stuff in a bit, shall we?

You did so well in school this year! You went to preschool four days a week for four hours a day. You loved your teachers and had some sweet little friends in your class. You did very well on all your testing and your teacher had glowing things to say about you at our mid-year conference with her. Daddy and I spent a good bit of time this year debating whether to give you another year in preschool or send you on your way to kindergarten next year, but ultimately decided that you are definitely ready for kindergarten in all possible ways.You are very bright and excited to learn, as well as outgoing and friendly, eager to make connections with your peers. I think you're going to do very well in kindergarten.

One downside to your academic success this year was that you learned to properly pronounce your "Ls" within the first month or so of the school year and much to my utter dismay. I knew that day would come, and did my best to record all your sweet little pronunciations on video before they vanished, but I can't say I don't still sometimes long to hear you say "Ewwie" instead of "Ellie," or "Achiwwes," or "pway." Man, that was all so cute. You're still holding on to a couple, like "bessert" instead of "dessert," and so help me, our whole family will be having bessert after dinner for the rest of our lives if it will keep you thinking that's just what it's called. DON'T TOUCH BESSERT, kid. Just leave me that one.

Your preschool graduation was the sweetest, with a highlight being the pre-graduation slideshow they showed on the screens, which included a photo of each graduate and what they said their favorite part of school was, and what they wanted to be when they grow up. We were all very eager to see what you would say you wanted to be, because in just this school year your answers have ranged everywhere from Captain America (because of your July 4th birthday) to an engineer ("builder") to a North Pole elf (you worried a good bit about if they would train you to make toys, or if you would just have to know how when you got there). Ultimately, you settled on Spider-Man, which is a fine choice. You've already told me you have been feeling your Spidey sense starting to tingle so it seems you're well on your way!

You continue to be a remarkably happy child, who still laughs until he hiccups and loves to be tickled. Your charisma is still a force to be reckoned with, and nearly everyone who knows you just becomes so smitten with you. In fact, they don't even have to know you. At t-ball this spring, the other moms would gush to me about you - how adorable you are, how much they love you and love watching you. They didn't know you, only saw you on the field, but somehow you captured their attention and admiration. I mean, I get it. I feel the same way. But it always makes my heart swell with pride to hear other people tell me about the positive impression you have left on them. You're something special, kiddo.

Of course, as you are my second child I know by now that the toddler/preschool years are also fraught with angst to at least some extent, and I can't say we haven't had our share of tantrums, obstinance, and limit-testing this year. It has seemed to ebb and flow, really. A particular favorite pastime of yours lately is tormenting your sister, as you learned very early on just how to push her buttons and you do so often and effectively. I know this is par for the course with siblings, and I do my best to remain a neutral party and help you kids work it out, but sometimes, man...the fighting drives me crazy.  Last year at this time, you guys were getting a long so well that you were having sleepovers in each others' rooms every night, so much so that we shifted all our upstairs bedrooms around to give you and Ellie the master bedroom to share, complete with bunk beds and everything. I have to say, I would not make that same decision this year! But, what can you do. I'm sure it's good for you, right? And it's not all fighting; you guys do enjoy each other and play together quite a bit. I just wish the scales tipped a little more in that direction! In due time, I hope.

You are quite a thrill-seeker! You LOVE rollercoasters and other rides, and have ridden everything you are tall enough for at Disney World. Not only do you love to ride these thrill rides, you're also the first of us to put your hands up. Recently, you also got up your nerve to jump off the high platform into the foam pit at the gymnastics studio (where we will be hosting your birthday party this weekend!), and you learned how to swim underwater and do cannonballs! It took a little convincing to get you to try a jump in the pool without your floatie, but as soon as you tried it, you were an unstoppable cannonball-ing machine. I think you did nothing but cannonballs for the last three straight days of our summer stay at Papa's house.

You also still love all things spooky/Halloween-related, especially The Nightmare Before Christmas. This year for Halloween we dressed up as the main characters from that movie and boy, did you rock the part of Jack. We went to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at Disney World and the costumes were a hit - but not only did you look the part, you even mastered Jack's walk and mannerisms and Jack-walked all over the park. That's your style, though - you really get into character! This year also brought lots more Star Wars costuming at Hollywood Studios, plus TONS of superhero play and dress-up. Spider-Man has remained your favorite superhero, though you also seem drawn to Black Panther and lately, Thanos. You always have had a soft spot for bad guys!

I mentioned t-ball a moment ago, but I have to talk on that a little more because boy, did THAT become huge this spring! This year we joined a new league closer to our house, and it was a huge success. Daddy was an assistant coach in the fall, and in the spring he was your head coach and Ellie joined your team, as well. By the end of the year, you showed great improvement, but what really blossomed was your love for and interest in the game. You now ask to go outside and play baseball with Daddy every afternoon, and he is happy to oblige. You're always excited to tell me when you "crushed it" and you work hard to follow Daddy's coaching, with great results. You also have elected Mike Trout as your First Official Favorite Baseball Player, thus bringing a little Angels fandom along with it. Baseball cards are everything to you right now, and you have a big binder full of them and always want more. You study them and memorize the details and organize them by team, going back over them again and again every day. Such focus! I love that.

We had a bit of a sad family event this year: we lost our dog, Achilles. He passed away unexpectedly and I was unprepared for how to handle it with you. I'm not sure you really understood, as you would sometimes pray for Achilles to come back to our house after he was done in Heaven, or for him to get all better and come back. I am comforted that you won't have much memory of it, and so you were largely spared the heartache of losing a pet this time around.

A few more notable things about five-year-old E.J.: you have a great imagination and love to tell stories, especially about things "Bunny" does (always very elaborate adventures!). You love to climb and jump off things. You like for me to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" to you before nap time. Your favorite color is blue, food is peas and macaroni, restaurant is McDonald's, and toy is your Bunny. You eat VERY slowly, except at TacoLu, where you are always the first one done. And when you are finally done eating, you announce it to the world with a buzzer-like "hmmmm" noise. You love to dress up in costumes and build robots out of Legos. This year you decided you love "handsome clothes" and wore a lot of seersucker, suits and bowties. You can open your car door by yourself now, and get yourself a cup of water. You love books and are able to read some sight words. You sing in the Littlest Angels church choir. When you have a nightmare, you call us in just to tell us that you had one; you require no additional comforting aside from an "I'm sorry, buddy" and a quick re-sing of "Twinkle, Twinkle." You really just need us to know.

This birthday is a tough one for me, not only because you're getting older and transitioning from babyhood to childhood, but because it is a time of transition for me, too. For over seven years now, my identity has been wrapped up in being a mama to small children. I have almost always had one or both of you by my side. I have been needed each day, more moments than not, day in and day out (and nighttimes, too) for the better part of a decade. When people ask me what I do for a living, I say "I stay home with the kids." But starting this fall, the kids won't be at home anymore, at least not in the way they have been. I have no more babies to wrap to my chest and no more morning story times to attend. I have no more fussy little ones to strap into the stroller and walk to sleep. I have no babies to nurse. My purse is no longer filled with snack and sippy cups and spare diapers. When we go to a playground, I can sit on a bench or chit chat with friends without worrying about a little one's imminent doom on the climbing equipment, or having to endlessly push someone in the baby swing. My schedule is no longer dictated by anyone's need for a nap, and more often than not, we all sleep through the night. In the mornings, no one needs me to retrieve them from their crib - instead, my babies are downstairs preparing their own breakfasts.

In a way, it's freeing and exciting. The world is opening up to me again (I even read a book this month! For the first time since before you were born!). With your growing independence, I'm finding a newfound freedom and frankly, the possibilities of what to do with it are a bit overwhelming. I'm at a crossroads, and I'm having to reshape my identity as a mother and an individual. Without babies at home requiring my constant care, how will I spend my days? What is the best use of my time? What will at once keep me free to be there for you and Ellie, but also give me fulfillment outside of the home? What does my future hold? I'm a mother of school-age children now. I'm no longer a mama of littles. It has taken me all these years to shift my identity from my pre-kid self to this, and now I'm on the precipice of another change. The last change rocked me to my core and I wasn't prepared to have to navigate another one so soon. It's an aspect of motherhood I was wholly unprepared for.

Of course, the world isn't just opening up to me - it's also opening up to you, and to us as a family. You have so many new things to look forward to as you start your school years, and with your increasing self-sufficiency and we're able to do a lot more with you kids in tow, which is very exciting. For example, this summer we have a two-week road trip planned with stops at four baseball stadiums, because that's what you're interested in. We're also taking you and Ellie to New York City for the first time, which will be fantastic, and is not something we would have considered with a baby you. But big kid you? Why not! We're able to spend longer days out in the world, enjoying fun activities and each other. We're able to stay up late and try new restaurants and explore new places. This new chapter promises to be a fun one - different from the last, sure, but really exciting in new ways.

And so, we close the chapter on babyhood, both for you and for me as a mother. You were my last, though that is something I wrestled with a lot this year. But you are. I know that my wavering back and forth about wanting another baby is less about the desire to actually add to our family and more about just longing for more time with the babies I did have. It went so fast, kiddo. It was such a special time and it's crazy to think you won't remember most of it. Hopefully the feelings of love and security and joy and family togetherness will stick with you, at least. Because we enjoyed all of those things in excess over the last five years.

E.J., what a joy it is to be your mother. Thank you for the greatest five years. Now, let's turn the page and see what happens next.

Happy birthday, nugget.

All my love,
Mama

* * * * *

My dear E.J.,

"What's up little buddy?" If soon-to-be-five-year-old you were here, you would almost certainly say, "Good," because you always do. Until now, I've never really thought about it other than as one of those things I am never going to correct. Those things, like "bessert" and "Los Angels" are the cutest (once you are sure your kid is going to figure it all out someday). Thinking about those exchanges makes me smile because I can hear how sincere, friendly and content you sound when you say it. And that feels like a good start to a summary of you this past year.

I also think the E.J. "good" is close to how I would describe our relationship at five years old. Again, not the word itself so much as the way you say it. I think we spent more time together this year than we ever have, including "boys' days," reading, battling at the park and in the front yard after work, and in heart-to-hearts as you start to process real concepts like fairness. One of our boys' days included a morning out to the baseball card store, which has kicked off a really fun hobby and may have caused your first "favorite player." We bought a bunch of packs of cards to open at McDonald's and I was telling you who some of the best players were that you might get. Low and behold, the first name I mentioned was also the very first card in your very pack. We've since acquired matching jerseys and watched him hit a long home run in person on Father's Day. In case the rest ends up being history, so to speak, I thought it was worth chronicling here.

If I'm being honest, I'm also a little nervous about keeping up this momentum. So far, raising a son has absolutely everything I could have ever imagined it would be, but we're only just getting started. While you are just five, I am old enough to know what a fine line the world will need you to walk between masculine leadership and thoughtful compassion. I want you to be competitive and strong and confident, but it is even more important for you to be a great husband and father who considers the needs of others before yourself. I don't have the closest relationship with my father or a clear model for the best way to help you as you grow up. You are such an amazing little boy with all the potential in the world, and I guess I am starting to process how great a responsibility I have to help you realize it in a healthy and productive way. I know these things are on my mind because of the current political climate, but I also know that you're only five and don't have to grow up for a little while yet, though you have started getting regular haircuts and are all in on "handsome clothes" for church and big school events.

Speaking of being five, you love Halloween, costumes, and baseball. Oh, how you've fallen in love with baseball. On the last day of preschool, you actually wrote that you wanted to be a professional baseball player when you grow up. You also told your teacher you wanted to be Spider-Man, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. Anyway, we switched to a more formal tee-ball league with three fields and a concession stand last fall. I was your head coach for the first time this Spring and since the season ended, you have asked to practice almost every single day. You are eager to work on all parts of the game, even though you aren't big enough to confidently swing an aluminum bat and well, aren't bothered by bad reps and you are always thinking about the things we work on, talking about old tips or showing me things during nap times. You also study your baseball cards and the players we watch on TV, which has led to some adorableness, like fashioning an elbow guard for batting, giving high fives to the imaginary dugout after a home run, performing slow-motion replays, and throwing from your knees when you are being the catcher.

Off the field, I'm excited for you to start kindergarten this fall. You really seem to have an aptitude for learning and you pick things up really fast, like basic sight words and addition, and even the concept of negative numbers. One time, you even brought me a book because you wanted to practice reading. Without ever having done it before, you just sort of pieced together letter sounds and kept track of the words you worked out and did an amazing job.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that you started sharing a room with Ellie this past year, put your hands up on roller coasters at Disney, were obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas for a while and saw a lot of cool places on our summer road trip (I'm sure there's a book for that - P.S., your future wife is going to love your mama for doing such an awesome job chronicling how cute you are right now.)

I love you, little buddy, and couldn't be more excited to keep enjoying what we have going on right now. I promise I will always do my best.

All my love,
Daddy