My dear E.J.,
Today you are four years old and my heart is aching. You have grown into such a little boy this year, and as much as I love watching you grow into you, I can't shake the knowledge of how quickly Ellie went from age four to age six. A few minutes ago she was getting ready to start VPK in the fall, as you are now, and now she's an actual "grader," heading into first grade. There's no doubt that she is no longer a baby; she is a full-blown kid. As of now, there are still flashes of your babyhood hanging on, but as we celebrate this birthday I know that in seemingly a moment's time, you will have shed those, too. I wish you wouldn't, buddy. I have so enjoyed your baby years (and now your preschool ones)....can't we keep those going just a little longer? The big kid years can wait just a bit, right?
But, no matter how I feel about it, my baby boy is growing into such a big kid. You started school this year, and you did so well! You loved your teachers and you learned a lot. You can even write your name! One of your favorite school days was the day that Daddy came to read to your class and did a science experiment about gravity on the moon. You were so proud and told everyone you saw that day that your Daddy came to your class. You will start VPK this fall at the same school, and I remember how much more "intense" that was compared to PreK3 for Ellie, so I'm excited to see how much you learn this coming year!
You made some nice friends in school this year, including one little boy (your "best buddy") who joined us at the baseball game this weekend in honor of your birthday. You were so excited to see him, and you and he held hands all around the ballpark, which just broke my heart. At this age your heart is still so pure - you were excited to see your friend, so you held his hand. What a special thing. You also consider all your classmates your friends (and wanted to invite them all to the baseball game!), plus you have some nice church friends. You're just a very friendly little boy!
You took your first step into the world of organized sports this year, too, with your first two seasons of t-ball. You enjoyed it, liked your coach, and showed some definite improvement by the end of your second season! It was a good introduction to the sport, all about the very basic skills of the game, with little mini-games at the end of each practice. As a spectator, three-year-old t-ball was quite entertaining, with kids regularly leaving the field to hug their moms, crying in the outfield, or diving in piles on top of the ball (even the batter, after hitting it). We may try a different league this year so we'll see how you continue to like it!
In other extracurricular news, this year you graduated from the church nursery to actual Children's Church/Sunday School, and you sang in the Littlest Angels choir with Ellie. You also attended your first "real" (non-nursery) Vacation Bible School. You're still a fan favorite with people at church, and I know the nursery workers will be sad to no longer have you on Mondays during my moms' group this fall, as you'll be in school!
The last month or so marked another big milestone: you are finally tall enough to ride the Star Tours ride at Disney World! This has been long awaited and you rode for the first time during our most recent visit to Hollywood Studios. Also, your birthday today means you are officially old enough to do Jedi Training as well, and you are PSYCHED. I'm sure that is first on the agenda for a fall Disney trip.
Obviously, you are still a huge fan of Star Wars, and even got to see a Star Wars movie in the theater for the first time this year (in fact, you saw two: The Last Jedi and Solo!). You still lean to the Dark Side, but have started to dip your toes into the good guy side a bit this year. We have unintentionally started a "thing" of having you wear a different Star Wars costume to Hollywood Studios at every visit, which results in you being pulled from the crowd by your chosen character to walk back with them after the Star Wars show in front of the Chinese Theater. So in addition to having marched with the Storm Troopers as Kylo Ren, you have also marched alongside Boba Fett as his miniature replica, and with Chewbacca and Rey when you were dressed as Han Solo. You just eat it up and so does the crowd, as you fully commit to your character, walking with authority and playing the part to perfection (for example, when visiting Kylo Ren as Han Solo, you greeted him as "Ben Solo"). It is one of my favorite things to watch you commit to your role with such confidence, and to watch everyone else around us noticing how awesome you really are.
New this year is your obsession with superheroes, and Spider-Man in particular. We found a Spider-Man costume on clearance at Target after Halloween, so I bought it just to give you more dress-up options, and that was that. Another E.J. memory from this year that will make my all-time favorite highlight reel is you, dressed in full Spider-Man costume (or not - frankly, that part didn't matter to you much), "shooting webs" at everyone you encountered. The only problem with that was that at first, you couldn't quite master the web-shooting hand motion, so instead of doing what Spidey does, you were giving everyone the finger. If I had a nickel for every time I apologized to strangers for you flipping them the bird...! You also came home from school one day and proudly told me how you shot webs at all your friends at school, so I made sure to have a talk with your teachers to explain what you were trying to do and reassure them that you are not mimicking behavior you see at home or anything like that! Both luckily and sadly, you have now mastered the appropriate hand gesture, so the web-slinging continues without fear of offending strangers or getting expelled from preschool. We also just upgraded your old costume with a nicer, newer, bigger one, which was quite necessary as you wore the last one into the ground. Friends would comment about how every time they saw you this year, you were in full costume (mask included, and often finished off with hand-me-down cowboy boots). People got such a kick out of you! And, just as at Hollywood Studios, I love to see their smiles when they see you in full costume, in public, on any random day. You wear what makes you happy and it makes everyone else happy to see you doing so. You're the coolest.
Another thing you love this year is Halloween and all things spooky. We dressed up as classic Halloween characters for Halloween this year (you were a vampire) and you loved it. You have been obsessed with Halloween/spooky things ever since. You love the show Bat Pat, Halloween books, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. You even went through some of the haunted house areas at the zoo Halloween event this year, and when you made a beaded necklace at school as part of your Thanksgiving unit, you used only red beads to make it look like blood. Oh, you darling little weirdo.
Another funny thing you like is being tickled! You just explode into fits of giggles whenever you're tickled and then you repeat whatever action got you tickled in the first place (showing your bare belly, putting your bare feet in my lap, etc.) for as long as we will indulge you. You also love when Daddy squeezes you really tight - that produces a laugh like no other, so I encourage him to do it whenever you ask! You've also recently learned what a "noogie" is and request them frequently. Oh, you darling little weirdo.
You and Ellie have really become buds this year, which is so, so wonderful to watch. Sure, you know just how to press her buttons and often do so for sport, but this year you have really become great playmates and companions for each other. The two of you have been having "sleepovers" nearly every night this summer, and as soon as you wake up you start playing. You play together until I make you stop for breakfast or for an outing, and resume at the first chance you get. It's so wonderful to see you two enjoying each other so much.
Of course, this year was not without its struggles. Three-to-four is a tough year, I've learned. It was for Ellie and it was for you. There was lots of independence-asserting, limit-testing, tantrum-throwing, "I don't wanna"-yelling, arm-crossing and sulking, and time-out sitting. The year started out particularly challenging and then improved to only being challenging phases as we went along. I hope that you were able to benefit in some way by being the second-born, because I knew all this was coming and knew that it would pass, but I'm not sure that's the case because in the moment it can be frustrating to the core - not only because you were being disobedient or argumentative or causing a scene, but because I know that buried beneath all that three-year-old angst was (is) a very sweet, kind-hearted, loving boy who wasn't getting the recognition he deserved. I know I lost my temper more than I care to admit but I hope I remained patient enough of the time to reassure you that you are always loved, no matter what, while also being firm enough to set the boundaries you need to grow into a good, kind, respectful adult. Phew. This parenting stuff is a tricky business.
There is one thing that you have continued this year that I am so, so thankful for, and that is our morning snuggles. Each day we kick things off with you climbing up into my lap, leaning your head against my chest and just melting into me. I treasure those moments more than I can ever tell you, and every time our snuggle has slipped by in the morning chaos, you'll come up to me later in the day and say, "Mama, you haven't had your snuggle!" We'll stop what we're doing and sit together for just a few moments and it is so special to me. Thank you for allowing that to continue, buddy. Please don't take it away just yet.
As I mentioned, I know your baby-ish traits and behaviors are not going to stick around much longer. I'm trying my very best to savor everything I can. If you ask me to hold you, I try to memorize how sweet your face looks with those big brown eyes looking up at me, with arms outstretched, little hands reaching for me, and I try to say "yes" whenever I can. Every time you ask to go in the "wrapper," I try to say "yes" if I can because I know each time could be the last time. I try to write down all your mispronunciations, because I know they will correct themselves any day now. I try to make note of how soft your baby cheeks feel when I kiss you, and how small your hand feels in mine when we cross the street. Being the second child, I am painfully aware that every phase you go through is only a brief flash of time. It's a bit of wisdom that is appreciated in the challenging times and heartbreaking in the good ones. Knowing that you are my last baby makes it even more difficult to watch these phases pass us by. I'm not ready to let go of my baby yet.
But I know that is the work of a mother, of a parent. If I do my job right, I will have to let you go, piece by piece, little by little as the years go by. For now, letting you go means something as simple as you learning to pump your legs on the swings (which you just did in the last couple of weeks!) so you no longer need me to push you. It's just little tiny examples of you needing me less and less. I know that as time continues to pass there will be more and more instances where you don't need me, and the examples I can give will become more and more significant, until one day you will be gone, leading your own life. And it's beautiful to see, it really is. You're growing up and the person you're growing into is remarkable. It's just so strange how such a natural growth can be at once so heart wrenching and so exhilarating. I only hope that I can do my job well enough that when you no longer need me, you still want me around. I will always be here, E.J. I always love you, no matter what, and I love being your mother more than I can ever tell you.
Thank you for being you, sweet boy. Thank you for bringing so much joy to me and to our family. Thank you for the snuggles and the laughs and the love.
Happy birthday, nugget.
All my love,
Mama
* * * * *
My dear E.J.,
You have had quite a fourth year and, long story short, you're still awesome.
I feel like we're doing something right because I had a really easy time recalling vivid memories from this year. Maybe it's because you did some major things like playing t-ball(1) or rocking 2-day preschool. It could also be that we made some good one-on-one memories, like going to our first Jags game (in the rain) or riding your first real roller coaster at Disney (you were poker-faced the whole time, but when I asked you what you thought at the end, you said simply, "great"), or going to see the "superhero show" (Marvel's Super Heroes Live). Or maybe it's because you fell in love with Halloween and "spooky stuff" was so much fun to play all year.
I'll leave more detailed story-telling to your mama because she is so good at it. Instead, I like to use these letters to step back and take stock of the fatherhood experiment and try to give you a glimpse into the things I am thinking about. The headline so far is how much fun it is. Honestly, you and your sister are great kids and all the teaching and playing is so much cooler than even my greatest expectations. It helps that, for the most part, you're sweet to each other (a few months ago, this would have been a different letter, but you outgrew your terrible threes early!), you're curious, cuddly and you laugh out loud every single day. E.J., it doesn't make any more sense this year, but "charismatic" is still a word I would use to describe you. Your joy is infectious and you have a magnetic personality that makes people young and old want to be around you. And that is just so much fun to take credit for! Thanks!
Anyway, I have been thinking about one of the most popular phrases in all of birthday letter writing - "You are really growing up/becoming so much more of a real person." And you really are with all the things we do now and the way you are able to participate and talk about them. But I have really been wondering what are you going to be like when you are actually grown up and how much of what you do now is going to apply in some way then. For example, you loved learning to play baseball, and have a naturally powerful swing. You seemed to enjoy the process of getting better and can throw like someone twice your size. If you are still playing in 20 years, it will be really interesting to know it started now and read about how you developed over time. If you don't, I bet there will be pieces or lessons that are interesting and relevant. If neither, it is not any less fun to do right now, but it might mean that "growing" you is just different from "grown" you. I wonder this even more about your personality and the way you think about things and relate to other people. What will it mean that you need a daily snuggle from your mama or that you (adorably, for now) blame inanimate objects for things that you do wrong (I'm looking at you, toys and Jesus from E.J.'s heart). I don't really have it worked out at all, so I am mostly trying to stay in all the moments and only try to help you be the best version of whoever you are now. To be honest, I don't really think I will have much to do with the outcome, so I am just trying to be grateful for all your great qualities while hoping they stick around for all the years to come.
Before I go, there is some other stuff you do now that I really love and want you to know about (or just to remind myself in case I forget). First, I love that you're always thinking. At random, you will just start talking about characters from Star Wars or superheroes or something that happened to you months ago in a very serious and matter-of-fact way so it's clear you have been working on it in your head for minutes or more. I'm pretty sure I talked about mic-ing you up in a previous letter. Basically, you're still just as much fun, but some of that stream of consciousness has moved inside your head. I also love your budding interest in science. Ellie has been a big fan for years so I try to tell her stuff whenever she asks and we all look for new things to investigate. You have obviously been paying attention because sometimes you'll start explaining something, scramble out one or two disjointed facts, get stuck and conclude by saying, "and that's science."
Man, you're fun, and I love you so very much.
In fact, All my love,
Daddy